There was a very small scheduled break at Ithemba. At least for classes and such. Of course there was never quite a ‘break’ for the workers. The animals still had to be fed and cared for. Some wild ones had to be rescued. But the break was really for repairs, reviews of how classes were going, and lots and lots of paperwork.
Belie was overloaded with paperwork this season, so Bella chipped in rather than helping out with repairs in the animal habitats. She would’ve much rather been out there with the animals and with Nathan, but the paperwork was an necessary evil. They’d been this busy before, the only difference was that Nathan used to sneak breaks to come visit Bella in the office. He used to maybe even whip them up a light lunch, or something. These days, he was returning to the house later and later. His excuse was always that there was a lot to get done in little time. Especially in the elephant habitat where the young ones seemed to take pleasure in destroying fences and other structures. It was rather late on this particular day when Bella started to worry. Nathan wasn’t answering his phone and it had been dark outside for quite a while. Eventually, she got a call through to Ulwazi, who confirmed that Nathan was working in the elephant habitat. The kids were in bed and Belie was nearby, so Bella decided to head over to the elephant habitat and offer Nathan some help. When she arrived, however, she could sense that invisible wall between them. It had been there a lot lately. Like there was an unseen force keeping them apart. “Need help?” Bella asked. “No, I’m almost finished. Thanks though.” He smiled over his shoulder at him and continued doing whatever he was doing. Bella bit her lip. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing, but soon the words flew out anyway. “You’re avoiding me,” she said. “You keep coming to bed after I’m asleep, or working when I have a break, or… just not saying much to me. Look, I’m really sorry for everything. I’m sorry I kept secrets from you and got to the point where I completely lost it. I promise I’ll never keep secrets again. I want to stay open with you. I want things to be as they were before.” Her little speech finally got Nathan’s attention. “Please don’t shut me out,” she pleaded. “I miss you…” She longed to have him close again. Not just in a sensual way, but emotionally. She missed when he would just take her into his arms and hug her. She missed their silly little conversations and their academic arguments that they often just laughed about later. “Tell me that things would be back to normal soon,” she asked him. But in her heart, she knew it wasn’t that simple. With all the repairs going on in Ithemba, their marriage needed a repair too.
0 Comments
For the longest while, Bella lay awake in bed, propped up on her elbow, gazing at Nathan’s still body. It wasn’t that she couldn’t sleep. Rehab had helped her find that calmness in her mind again, and as long as she continued to take her medication, that calmness remained. But she’d missed Nathan with all her heart. During the day, even when he smiled at her, she could see the sadness and the fear lingering in his eyes. Tonight in his sleep, he’d tossed off the sheets and his skin ws damp with sweat due to the warm temperatures outside. The windows were opened, blowing comforting breezes into the room. Nathan couldn’t look any more worry-free than he did in that moment with the moonlight cast against his skin.
Earlier, Bella had taken time to watch the girls and Ralphie while they slept as well. The kids seemed to have grown a lot while Bella was away. It made her wonder if she had been gone longer than just a few months. There was so much time to make up for, and honestly, she wondered if she could ever make up for the lost time. It was great to be home, though part of her felt as if she didn’t quite fit in as she used to. It wasn’t really that anything had changed; in fact, nothing had changed. Ithemba was still flourishing just as it had been before she was admitted to rehab. The intern programme was going wonderfully, the animals were thriving, and the staff seemed rather happy. Bella pushed away the thoughts that told her she wasn’t needed, but now she wondered again if her happy little family would be better off if she’d stayed away. At least it meant they were safe from any potential relapses. “Sleep…” Bella barely registered the sleepy voice as Nathan’s before his arm pulled her close. His eyes were still closed, but he was undoubtedly aware that she was awake. Bella didn’t protest. She just cuddled up against him and closed her eyes as well. She wondered, she hoped, she even maybe prayed, that things between them would return to normal. For now, it was a slow work in progress. For now, she would listen to Nathan and just sleep. A stranger… That’s what she’d become. Not just to Nathan, but to herself. Her head was totally clear now, though. She missed being home. It hurt to see the fear hidden behind the kindness in Nathan’s eyes. The thought alone that things would never be the same just broke her heart. Still, daily, she tried to prove to that she was ready to leave psychiatric rehab.
“My maternal grandmother committed suicide… She died when my mum was pretty young, but I heard she was pretty volatile even before that. I am the only girl in my family… ironic, that I had to have those genes passed down to me. My brother Rico had a bout of depression, I think. But it was after a break-up, so I guess that can count as a ‘normal’ thing. I don’t really drink, you know? Not unless it’s a little glass of wine for a special occasion… Alcoholism runs in my family too.” “I probably would’ve had a glass of wine a couple of days ago… it was my anniversary, you know? 10 years married.” She sighed and looked at the psychiatrist. It had probably been the most she’d talked to any psychiatrist any time in her life. But she wanted to show that she was ready to talk. To be totally transparent. “What if I pass down these awful genes to my kids? It’s possible, isn’t it?” “Is that a fear you’ve had for a long time?” the psychiatrist asked. Bella nodded. “Have you spoken to your husband about it?” Bella shook her head. “I’m afraid to bring it up. Like that would jinx the situation or something.” She smirked un-humorously. “I know that’s a stupid way to think about it but… I would never forgive myself if I pass these genes down to my kids.” Later that day, she sat in her cell, a packed duffel bag on the bed beside her. She hadn’t called Nathan yet, because part of her was scared to go home. But at last, he picked up her phone - as it had been returned to her by now. “Hello, Nathan? ...I’ve been released. You don’t have to come get me right away though. Take your time, okay?” By now, Bella could almost understand what it felt like to be a wild animal, tranquilized and held in captivity. For a while, she felt bad for the work they did at ithemba. The animals there didn’t ask to be rescued, did they? They didn’t ask to be strapped to a table and operated on, trained, rehabilitated… Who was she, and the staff at ithemba, to play gods. Eventually, though, her train of logic slowly returned. With each passing day at the psychiatric hospital, she could feel her sanity returning.
She had flashbacks of moments of mania in which she’d completely lost herself. She felt bad for the episodes that had, no doubt, frightened her family. Worst of all, she felt as though she’d failed as a mother and a wife. She hadn’t sought the help she needed before it was too late. It had to come to this point, where she had to remain in custody of psychiatric nurses and psychiatrists. Day after day, she had to endure therapy sessions, take medications, and be on her best behaviour. It was, indeed, like keeping a wild animal caged. Most of all, she missed her family tremendously. Of course she received visits from Nathan and Belie. However, she’d requested that Nathan kept the kids away. The last thing Bella wanted them to see was their mother in a madhouse. Whenever Nathan visited, however, the visits were short with very little talk except random Ithemba business. It kept them both from addressing the virtual elephant in the room. Finally, Bella felt as if she was able to face her husband. To look him in the eye and apologise. To talk about her illness, embrace it, fix it. Making a phone call, she waited until she heard Nathan’s familiar voice. “I miss you so much,” she told him. “I’m ready to talk.” “No no no no no…” Not that it made a difference, but all Bella could do was repeat the simple two-letter word over and over. She thrashed about, not wanting to be restrained. For one, she absolutely hated hospitals. She’d had enough of it. And secondly, she hated being held down. She’d had quite enough of that in her past too. She’d gone far beyond logic. Her mind no longer belonged to her, and though she’d felt herself slipping before, she hadn’t taken the measures to stop it from progressing.
Nathan had tried to help, bless him. But Bella had refused to take her medication. She was afraid, based on past experiences, of losing herself. The meds once made her feel absolutely awful. Not just physically, but she’d felt so detached. It was the last thing she needed while she was already battling with her emotions. How she ended up being rushed to the hospital, restrained by nurses, and soon to be sedated? She didn’t even know. One minute, she was about to enter the habitat of one of their newest residents - a large elephant who was severely injured - and the next moment, she was in the hospital. It would’ve taken quite a long drive, so Bella had no clue how she couldn’t remember anything in between. She glanced over at Nathan, his face pained. She felt betrayed. She wanted to ask him how he could let the medics treat her this way? Hold her down like this. Inject her against her will… But before the words could come out, the sedative took place and she fell away into blissful unconsciousness. Bella could feel things very gradually slipping beyond her control. But maybe it was just paranoia getting the best of her. Maybe she just feared losing control of her emotions again. The mind was a very powerful thing. So rather than confront the feelings that were slowly closing in on her, Bella just restrained them. She kept them contained.
At nights when she found herself unable to sleep, she stared up at the ceiling, her mind racing with thoughts that sometimes made absolutely no sense. Other nights, she got out of bed and used the African heat as an excuse to get some water. During the day, she sometimes found herself unable to sit still, or unable to stop moving. She used those moments to check the grounds of Ithemba. To clean up, to patrol the perimeters. Then there were the days where she didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. Somehow, she forced herself to get up and face those days, but it often felt like some bizarre alter universe. Like she was looking at herself from a detached place... a weird out of body experience. On days such as today, she felt drained. As if she could sleep for a thousand years. Often, she could overcome it, knowing that soon it’ll go away. She was exhibiting the classic signs: moments of mania and moments of depression. She thought she could handle it... until the dark thoughts started crawling it. That's when she became afraid. She had to let Nathan know. It was time to stop keeping secrets. Last time she kept secrets, she'd ended up uncontrollably manic and jumping from a window to her near-death. Nathan found her in the bathtub on this particular night, the water cold, Bella's skin wrinkly from sitting in water for hours. Tears rolled down her face as Nathan looked at her. “I’m not okay,” she said before he could ask. “I’m far from okay.” 37 years old and in menopause. Bella couldn’t deny that the thought alone was depressing, let alone having to live with it as her reality. Her birthday came and left without her really feeling positive about being a year older. Normally, age didn’t matter to her; she was usually just grateful to still be alive. Yet, her birthday this year had left a sour taste in her mouth.
On the bright side, her surgical incision had healed nicely, and she was slowly getting back her physical strength. Then there were the famous hot flashes and mood swings. Aside from those symptoms that Bella knew were bound to happen, something just wasn’t right, emotionally. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but she could feel something bizarre developing in her once-twisted mind. Perhaps her mind was twisting itself around the hormonal changes going on in her body. It made sense, but Bella was afraid to embrace the possibility. She was afraid to admit to Nathan that she felt as if she was on the brink of relapsing into her bipolar symptoms. She’d relapsed before, and she’d learned to handle it just well. She hoped that this time would be no different: that she could prevent a relapse.before it took over her being. Rather than share her feelings with Nathan, she hid them behind excuses, telling him that her energy hadn’t quite returned, that her incision was still sore, that she still hadn’t recuperated. She was running out of excuses, but she hoped her emotional recovery would catch up before Nathan figured out that there was something deeper hidden behind her facade. After her procedure in New York, Bella had been more than ready to go home. She wasn’t allowed to board a plane yet until a little further into her recovery. After all, there were risks of blood clots and several other dangerous factors. Finally, they were given the clear from the doctor to travel, and in no time, goodbyes were said to the Barthels who had been absolutely wonderful, and soon they were back in South Africa. The warmth of the sun greeted them. A stark contrast to the cold winter of New York. Bella expected to feel excitement to return home, but instead, she felt numb. It was a lingering effect since her surgery. She just felt pretty much ‘meh’ about everything. Yes, she was glad to be alive, glad to be home, but something just felt completely off. She was still unable to lift heavy objects or make sudden movements. Her insides ached, and she still hadn’t regained her stamina. With all of these changes, she figured it would take a while for her emotions to catch up as well. Still, Nathan and the kids were absolutely patient with her. Belie was an absolute sweetheart and it was so lovely to see Athena again. Bella had spent more time sleeping than usual. She wasn’t quite excited to wake up and face the discomforts of her post-surgery body. However, he was grateful to wake up to breakfast in bed and the smiling faces of her loved ones. Pancakes. She chuckled at the shapes of the pancakes… attempted animal shapes, poorly done by the kids, but so cute anyway. Despite everything, she was absolutely grateful for her family Something about this scenario was eerily familiar. The odd, groggy feeling… as if she was floating somewhere between lifelessness and consciousness… The beeping sounds in the background and the soft whoosh of an oxygen machine. Bella wasn’t quite able to be in full command of her body yet, but she felt relieved to be in the land of the living. In the past, she’d woken up in a hospital so many times, but this was perhaps the first time she’d been truly relieved. She’d made it through the surgery, though she felt as if she’d been run over by a truck or something.
At last, she managed to make her eyelids cooperate, only to shut her eyes rather quickly. Too bright. She cleared her throat. It was as dry as the dessert. “Too… bright…” she croaked. Her voice sounded as though it hadn’t been used for a while. Within seconds, she felt Nathan’s familiar presence. His hand grasping hers, his lips brushing her brow, her cheeks, her nose, her lips. She tried to smile at his eagerness but she was too tired. “Bells, you’re okay,” he told her. Bella tried to open her eyes again, and this time she was able to keep them open. She was squinty, but she could make out Nathan’s handsome features. “Did I die and go to heaven?” she asked with a sleepy grin. Then, “I’m really thirsty.” Her throat felt like it was drying out with each word. Nathan didn’t hesitate. He seemed to pull a glass of water out of nowhere, and a straw too. Her throat ached a bit, but the water was like a salve for her parched organ. She sighed and studied Nathan’s face. She could see the worry there, only momentarily hidden by his relief. “How are you feeling?” he asked her. “Crappy, but happy to be alive.” For a while, she listened to Nathan’s short version of what occurred during the surgery. Bella had lost a significant amount of blood, her heart had practically stopped, but the medical staff was able to stabilize her. They’d saved her life, but unfortunately not her organs. The surgery had turned into a radical hysterectomy. Meaning… once she recovered, she would be tossed, unprepared, into menopause. Kobe help them all. At last, it was surgery day. Bella lay in the hospital bed, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. She couldn’t remember when last she’d felt this anxious.
The kids were with Rico and Ceci today, giving Nathan the chance to focus on Bella fully, pre-surgery at least. Bella clung to his hand as the medical staff got ready to whisk her off to the operating room. They’d explained the surgery to her again already. The plan was to make an incision in her abdomen and remove just her uterus if the endometriosis and fibroids had not spread to her ovaries and fallopian tubes. If she had to remove all organs, the radical hysterectomy would through her right into menopause, which was something everyone wanted to avoid. Best case scenario was that Bella would walk away with all other organs intact and her life back. No more constant pain, no more heavy bleeding. “You’ll be fine,” Nathan had promised her. They both knew it wasn’t a guaranteed promise, but Bella just nodded and told her that she loved him. As she was wheeled to the OR, she closed her eyes and tried to think positive things. She had to make it through the surgery. She had to return to her loving husband, her kids, her family, Ithemba. She just had to. Her life was only beginning. As a young medic told her to count backwards from 100, Bella began but didn’t make it past 95 before the anesthesia took her under. She had a dreamless sleep, completely unaware of the complications that occurred midway through surgery. Of the unpredictable massive bleed that made the doctors have to race against the clock to put a stop to it. She was blissfully ignorant of the extra blood that had to be rushed into the OR and transfused into her body. Or of how dangerously low her blood pressure dropped and how close her heart came to stopping. It was probably the best sleep that she’d ever gotten. Meanwhile, the world around her was in chaos as the doctors fought to contain the bleed and save her life. |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
Categories |