“I don’t want to think about it anymore. I mean, I never wanted that. But…” Bella sighed and fiddled with her thumbs, looking down to avoid the shrink’s overly-analytic gaze. “It’s not what I want on my mind when I’m with my guy. It makes things so difficult and complicated. I’m tired of difficult and complicated. I want normality. I want to look at him in those intimate moments and only think of him. I don’t want to be constantly pushing that--that--memory out of my mind. It’s been 7 years! When will it stop?”
Bella clasped her hands together to keep them from shaking. She didn’t like talking about it. She didn’t like reliving it. But she supposed it was better that the memories came flooding back here rather than other moments that she wanted to enjoy. As she was walking home, she felt the tightest of knots in her throat. She would’ve ordinarily taken the bus, but she needed to walk these feelings off. She needed the the sound of the sirens in her mind to cease; for the phantom pain in her head to subside; for her broken spirit to mend. She felt crappy--it was the post-shrink effect; she always felt crappy after visiting a psychologist. When she could no longer take it, she stopped at a corner store and bought a pack of cigarettes. Right there, she leaned against the brick outside of the building and took a long drag on the fag. Her body readily welcomed the warmth that took over, and the almost instant calming effect it had on her. She felt a tad guilty. She’d tried hard to quit and had succeeded for a couple of months now. She’d of course had a few cravings in Africa, but somehow nothing compared to this. After just a few puffs, she stubbed the cigarette out and resumed her journey. In her bag, she carried a refilled bottle of her prescription meds. At least there was that.
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New York was certainly not South Africa. Nights were difficult. Bella would lay awake and listen to the endless sound of traffic: of blaring car horns and screeching tires, police sirens and random shouts. Was NYC always this loud? She rolled over for the fifth time and pressed her pillow tightly over her head. She missed the lovely breeze that usually floated through the window and cooled the air on those warm, balmy African nights. She missed the random sound of animals in the distance. Most of all, she missed being able to walk down the hall to Nathan’s room to visit him whenever she felt like it. She missed his arm around her on nights and the way he always kicked the covers off before the sun rose. Oh how quickly she’d fallen into this habit; how quickly she’d learned to love these sweet little moments. Belie was still in London, along with the dogs, and the apartment felt empty. For once Bella wasn’t happy to be alone. The night seemed to drag by slowly, and by 4am, Bella decided to give up and get out of bed. There were so many things to be done anyway. Back in New York, there were plenty of things to take care of: her upcoming graduation, doctor visits, she had to be sure to pay the rent, and she certainly had to start looking into the next adventure. It was around 9am when she headed downstairs to check the mailbox. She didn’t expect anything other than the occasional bill or junk mail, but she was surprised to see an envelope. She turned it over and noticed that the return address was in South Africa. A smile lit up Bella’s face. She headed back to her room, already starting to open the envelope while she was in the elevator. Dear Bella and Nathan, Bella couldn’t stop grinning. Immediately, she started getting dressed. She would head to the shelter right now and show Nathan for herself. She also needed to call Belie. The missionary work sounded perfect for her little sister. She sent Belie a text and then called Nathan while she was in the bus. “I hope you’re at the shelter, because I’m stopping by. I have something I think you'd love. Want to have lunch?”
It was so strange arriving at the temple. Bella stood outside with Nathan for the longest while, trying to prepare herself. She’d learned that their private jet had crashed just prior to landing. A problem with the engine. The twisted part was that they’d been returning from the US after visiting an uncle that was on his death bed. What a cruel twist of fate.
Nathan was better than she could ever ask for. In the back of Bella’s mind, she knew this was even more nerve-wrecking for him. He had to meet the family in the most grievous of times. Bella had thought about coming on her own, but truth be told, Nathan kept her calm. Even now, he gave her hand a little squeeze before they walked into the temple. Bella hated temples almost as much as she hated hospitals. It was a place filled with so much hope, but Bella knew better than to hope for anything when things never went according to the way you wanted them. Sometimes she believed in a higher power--in the gods--but other times, like now, she highly doubted their existence. The sanctuary wasn’t as packed as Bella had imagined it, though. She immediately spotted her mum, stepfather and siblings on the front pew. However, rather than join them in the front, she slid into row behind the last one occupied. She barely recognised her Aunt Floor until the woman turned and offered her a compassionate smile. In front of the altar, there were three caskets. Closed. Bella held her breath and lowered her head. She couldn’t bear to look at the caskets without feeling a strong urge to run right out of the sanctuary. Luckily, the ceremony was rather quick. Rico and Rosa gave the eulogies and soon they all transitioned to the cemetery. Everyone was obviously trying to put their bravest faces forward. Rico for his family, Amanda for hers. Eli was obviously quite sad, but he didn’t shed a tear. Neither did Bella. Instead of staring at the caskets as they were lowered into the holes, she stared at her mother. The stress and grief weighed heavily on Rosa’s features, yet she was still a beautiful woman. Bella’s parents had brought 5 children into this world. They’d been in love. Madly. Who knows what had gone wrong, but what Bella did know was: as much as she and her siblings were aching, their mother was aching three times as much. She’d lost the man she once loved and the two children that had been born out of love. No mother should ever have to bury her child. Afterwards, when they all met at Niels’ flat for tea/coffee and pastries, Bella spotted her mother. She approached her and wrapped her arms tightly around her mother, embracing her with love and silent apologies. She had years of withheld hugs to make up for. “I’ve been meaning to get in contact with you again,” she said to her mother. “I never imagined it would be like this.” “Neither did I, love,” said Rosa. She kissed Bella’s forehead and it took her all the way back to childhood. Yet… she quickly remembered that she wasn’t a child anymore. She was an adult, as much as she wanted her daddy. There was no point in wallowing in regrets and lost time. But there was a chance to live in the now and make the best out of those who were still alive. It wasn’t too late for them. Bella was never good at apologies; as much as she wanted to tell her mother how sorry she was for shutting her out of her life. Instead, she offered a little smile and said, “Mum… I’d like you to meet my boyfriend.” She nodded towards Nathan, standing near the buffet table so he wouldn’t be in the way. Rosa’s eyebrows lifted and a small smile curled around her lips. “It’s about time,” she said. “Your father would’ve been searching for his shotgun though.” They both paused, as if unsure whether they should make a joke about this already, but then a smirk touched Bella’s lips. “Maybe Nathan got lucky then.” She said. Then she couldn’t help but chuckle. There was absolutely nothing okay about this. Nothing whatsoever. Bella didn’t know how to react. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She’d just arrived back at headquarters after a wonderful time in the savanna when her phone vibrated in her pocket. It was Rico who knew better than to call her, ever. Bella hated phone calls, but it was the text that came in, demanding urgently that she called him.
“Are you sitting?” he’d asked. Nathan had already retreated to his room to freshen up after hours in the endless heat. Bella had remained standing outside, her brows furrowed now. “Rico, come out with it,” she’d said. But she wasn’t prepared for his next words. They were like a stake through her heart. The phone nearly slipped out of her hand, and her back pressed against the exterior wall of their sleeping quarters. “You’re lying,” she said, her words breaking in the middle. “What kind of twisted joke is this?” But she knew there was no way he’d lie about death. Especially the deaths of their father and two of their brothers. “Don’t call me again,” she said before disconnecting the call. She didn’t know where she was going; she was just walking. Farther and farther away from headquarters, towards the open fields where she and Nathan liked to look up at the stars. The afternoon sun beat down on her while her heart hammered in her chest as though it intended to break free. She didn’t realise that she was shaking, not until she finally stopped to catch her breath. She stood there, her hands on her knees, her chest so tight that no matter how deeply she tried to breathe, her respirations came in painfully shallow puffs of air. She was out there all alone, her loved ones dead. She hadn’t seen them in years. What had become of the brother that she once idolised? And her younger brother? Her father? Gods… she couldn’t breathe. Hadn’t she just told Nathan that she needed to reunite with her family? It was too late. She was the worst daughter and sister there was, and there was no redemption after this point of no return. Bella could feel everything in her wound tightly as a rubber-band, soon to break if any more pressure was added to it. She was just about to shatter into a million pieces when a warm voice graced her ears. “Bells…?” She didn’t know how Nathan had found her but she was grateful. At least if she'd die out here too, she wouldn't die alone. “I...can't breathe..." she told him. It was a plea for help. To make her heart stop beating too fast, to regulate her breathing... to bring her family back to her. All of which she knew was impossible. The things you think about when your life flashes before your eyes is not what you see in the movies. Bella didn’t see her first apartment or her first crush or even her dreams going down the drain. All she saw was Nathan, standing there protectively in front of her while a lioness crept up on them. Admittedly, the creature was absolutely breathtaking--in more ways than one. There was her size and the precise steps she took towards them, her body low to the ground, her eyes fiery and focused. Then there was the mere fact that the prey she was stalking wasn’t just the baby elephant they’d come to rescue, but it was them.
“Quiet…” Nathan had told her. And that was not an issue because her heart was constricting so tightly in her chest that even if she tried to speak, it would be useless. The rifles were back in the Jeep and the only ‘weapon’ they had was the makeshift spear that Nathan had created to administer the sedative to the elephant calf. If he’d tried to use that, they’d end up lioness food. All Bella could remember was seeing the lioness get ready to pounce, hearing the sound of the rifle, and then her arms wrapped tightly around Nathan. If she was going to die, she was going to be in his arms. What better a place to die. She couldn’t help but think though: they had unfinished business. What about their own animal rescue? What about this helpless little elephant? What about all the things that were still left unsaid between them. She’s promised she would tell him everything about herself: past, present, and future. Did dying mean her promise would be broken? She glanced at him now, days later, sleeping peacefully in bed. A gentle wind blew against the curtains and chilled Bella’s warm skin. They’d survived. She had a second chance. Valentine’s Day probably ranked at the top of Bella’s ‘most hated holidays’ list. Usually, she was utterly disgruntled and annoyed by all of the public displays of affection, the hand-holding, the excess I Love You’s. This year was different. She’d woken up in an entirely different continent. Her phone had a notification that it was Valentine’s Day. Bella’s first reaction was to smile like a fool, and when she felt her cheeks start to ache, she had to roll her eyes and laugh at herself. Today, they would attend her friend, Ada’s, wedding. It was their first event together and Bella was grateful that Ada had allowed her a plus one. The rest of the day, however, Bella had no clue what to do. They were in Australia. The options were almost limitless, but there was not a romantic bone in Bella’s body. She literally choked when trying to tell a family member that she loved them. One thing she was good at however was writing down how she felt. She sealed the letter in an envelope and hoped that she wouldn’t be making a fool out of herself.
Africa was a dream. It was certainly no vacation; they were working their butts off, but it was something Bella could picture herself doing for the rest of her life. Whenever she looked at Nathan, whether he was vaccinating a massive lion or tumbling with cheetah cubs, he was a picture of happiness. He looked like he belonged. Their first day of work had been at the Wildlife Orphanage. They’d gotten acquainted with the lion cubs, baby leopards, young cheetahs and Bella had gotten a feed a Suni antelope. She knew that there was no way they could do this on their own yet, but learning all the tricks of the trade was incredible. After another long day, the sun was setting on the horizon, beautiful colours bleeding together in the sky. The atmosphere was warm and sticky and Bella could feel a glaze of sweat forming on her skin as they returned to the main gathering place.
They headed down the hallway they shared and stopped outside of Nathan’s door, as usual. Bella gave him a little peck on the lips and wished him sweet dreams, but as she started walking towards her room, she stopped. Turning back to him, she smiled tentatively. They’d already been there for quite a while and she didn’t feel an ounce of homesickness. “I really like it here,” she told Nathan. “Did you see that they have certification programs here? Like, actual semesters?” She bit her lip. The reality was that she needed to head back to New York to finish her last semester as a vet tech. This internship would get her three credits closer to graduation, but there were still a few left. She couldn’t stay, but she wouldn’t mind, at this point. So instead, she asked, “Would you consider coming back here soon?” The first thing Bella noticed when she stepped off the plane was the warm, earthy smell that the Motherland possessed. It was a unique scent that was difficult to describe, but definitely better than the stench of a big city like New York. “We’re here!” Bella exclaimed, beaming at Nathan. She was stating the obvious, but she simply couldn’t believe it. The air was warm and balmy; nowhere as hot as she’d expected, but then again it was quite early in the morning. The sunrise looked beautiful as a backdrop to the lovely palm and baobab trees.
On the inside, Bella was overflowing with excitement. This was one step closer to her dream, and to Nathan’s. South Africa. Exotic and endangered animals. Wildlife rescue, rehabilitation and treatment. The next couple of months would be incredible. Nathan and Bella were on two different levels of the spectrum--Bella as the intern and Nathan already being a professional as a veterinarian. But it would be a learning experience for both of them and the others on this mission. As they piled into a small bus to take them to the housing in the animal refuge, Bella was still smiling from ear to ear. Her cheeks were already beginning to hurt. She glanced out of the window as they left Johannesburg airport and headed off, Bella stared through the window. It was even more incredible than Tennessee, watching the views change from cityscape to wide open savannas and rolling hills. It was nearly 6 hours before they finally arrived at the wildlife sanctuary. Bella grinned at the place they’d call home for the next few months. |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
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