Bella could feel things very gradually slipping beyond her control. But maybe it was just paranoia getting the best of her. Maybe she just feared losing control of her emotions again. The mind was a very powerful thing. So rather than confront the feelings that were slowly closing in on her, Bella just restrained them. She kept them contained.
At nights when she found herself unable to sleep, she stared up at the ceiling, her mind racing with thoughts that sometimes made absolutely no sense. Other nights, she got out of bed and used the African heat as an excuse to get some water. During the day, she sometimes found herself unable to sit still, or unable to stop moving. She used those moments to check the grounds of Ithemba. To clean up, to patrol the perimeters. Then there were the days where she didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. Somehow, she forced herself to get up and face those days, but it often felt like some bizarre alter universe. Like she was looking at herself from a detached place... a weird out of body experience. On days such as today, she felt drained. As if she could sleep for a thousand years. Often, she could overcome it, knowing that soon it’ll go away. She was exhibiting the classic signs: moments of mania and moments of depression. She thought she could handle it... until the dark thoughts started crawling it. That's when she became afraid. She had to let Nathan know. It was time to stop keeping secrets. Last time she kept secrets, she'd ended up uncontrollably manic and jumping from a window to her near-death. Nathan found her in the bathtub on this particular night, the water cold, Bella's skin wrinkly from sitting in water for hours. Tears rolled down her face as Nathan looked at her. “I’m not okay,” she said before he could ask. “I’m far from okay.”
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Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
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