Bella could feel things very gradually slipping beyond her control. But maybe it was just paranoia getting the best of her. Maybe she just feared losing control of her emotions again. The mind was a very powerful thing. So rather than confront the feelings that were slowly closing in on her, Bella just restrained them. She kept them contained.
At nights when she found herself unable to sleep, she stared up at the ceiling, her mind racing with thoughts that sometimes made absolutely no sense. Other nights, she got out of bed and used the African heat as an excuse to get some water. During the day, she sometimes found herself unable to sit still, or unable to stop moving. She used those moments to check the grounds of Ithemba. To clean up, to patrol the perimeters. Then there were the days where she didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. Somehow, she forced herself to get up and face those days, but it often felt like some bizarre alter universe. Like she was looking at herself from a detached place... a weird out of body experience. On days such as today, she felt drained. As if she could sleep for a thousand years. Often, she could overcome it, knowing that soon it’ll go away. She was exhibiting the classic signs: moments of mania and moments of depression. She thought she could handle it... until the dark thoughts started crawling it. That's when she became afraid. She had to let Nathan know. It was time to stop keeping secrets. Last time she kept secrets, she'd ended up uncontrollably manic and jumping from a window to her near-death. Nathan found her in the bathtub on this particular night, the water cold, Bella's skin wrinkly from sitting in water for hours. Tears rolled down her face as Nathan looked at her. “I’m not okay,” she said before he could ask. “I’m far from okay.”
0 Comments
37 years old and in menopause. Bella couldn’t deny that the thought alone was depressing, let alone having to live with it as her reality. Her birthday came and left without her really feeling positive about being a year older. Normally, age didn’t matter to her; she was usually just grateful to still be alive. Yet, her birthday this year had left a sour taste in her mouth.
On the bright side, her surgical incision had healed nicely, and she was slowly getting back her physical strength. Then there were the famous hot flashes and mood swings. Aside from those symptoms that Bella knew were bound to happen, something just wasn’t right, emotionally. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but she could feel something bizarre developing in her once-twisted mind. Perhaps her mind was twisting itself around the hormonal changes going on in her body. It made sense, but Bella was afraid to embrace the possibility. She was afraid to admit to Nathan that she felt as if she was on the brink of relapsing into her bipolar symptoms. She’d relapsed before, and she’d learned to handle it just well. She hoped that this time would be no different: that she could prevent a relapse.before it took over her being. Rather than share her feelings with Nathan, she hid them behind excuses, telling him that her energy hadn’t quite returned, that her incision was still sore, that she still hadn’t recuperated. She was running out of excuses, but she hoped her emotional recovery would catch up before Nathan figured out that there was something deeper hidden behind her facade. After her procedure in New York, Bella had been more than ready to go home. She wasn’t allowed to board a plane yet until a little further into her recovery. After all, there were risks of blood clots and several other dangerous factors. Finally, they were given the clear from the doctor to travel, and in no time, goodbyes were said to the Barthels who had been absolutely wonderful, and soon they were back in South Africa. The warmth of the sun greeted them. A stark contrast to the cold winter of New York. Bella expected to feel excitement to return home, but instead, she felt numb. It was a lingering effect since her surgery. She just felt pretty much ‘meh’ about everything. Yes, she was glad to be alive, glad to be home, but something just felt completely off. She was still unable to lift heavy objects or make sudden movements. Her insides ached, and she still hadn’t regained her stamina. With all of these changes, she figured it would take a while for her emotions to catch up as well. Still, Nathan and the kids were absolutely patient with her. Belie was an absolute sweetheart and it was so lovely to see Athena again. Bella had spent more time sleeping than usual. She wasn’t quite excited to wake up and face the discomforts of her post-surgery body. However, he was grateful to wake up to breakfast in bed and the smiling faces of her loved ones. Pancakes. She chuckled at the shapes of the pancakes… attempted animal shapes, poorly done by the kids, but so cute anyway. Despite everything, she was absolutely grateful for her family Something about this scenario was eerily familiar. The odd, groggy feeling… as if she was floating somewhere between lifelessness and consciousness… The beeping sounds in the background and the soft whoosh of an oxygen machine. Bella wasn’t quite able to be in full command of her body yet, but she felt relieved to be in the land of the living. In the past, she’d woken up in a hospital so many times, but this was perhaps the first time she’d been truly relieved. She’d made it through the surgery, though she felt as if she’d been run over by a truck or something.
At last, she managed to make her eyelids cooperate, only to shut her eyes rather quickly. Too bright. She cleared her throat. It was as dry as the dessert. “Too… bright…” she croaked. Her voice sounded as though it hadn’t been used for a while. Within seconds, she felt Nathan’s familiar presence. His hand grasping hers, his lips brushing her brow, her cheeks, her nose, her lips. She tried to smile at his eagerness but she was too tired. “Bells, you’re okay,” he told her. Bella tried to open her eyes again, and this time she was able to keep them open. She was squinty, but she could make out Nathan’s handsome features. “Did I die and go to heaven?” she asked with a sleepy grin. Then, “I’m really thirsty.” Her throat felt like it was drying out with each word. Nathan didn’t hesitate. He seemed to pull a glass of water out of nowhere, and a straw too. Her throat ached a bit, but the water was like a salve for her parched organ. She sighed and studied Nathan’s face. She could see the worry there, only momentarily hidden by his relief. “How are you feeling?” he asked her. “Crappy, but happy to be alive.” For a while, she listened to Nathan’s short version of what occurred during the surgery. Bella had lost a significant amount of blood, her heart had practically stopped, but the medical staff was able to stabilize her. They’d saved her life, but unfortunately not her organs. The surgery had turned into a radical hysterectomy. Meaning… once she recovered, she would be tossed, unprepared, into menopause. Kobe help them all. At last, it was surgery day. Bella lay in the hospital bed, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. She couldn’t remember when last she’d felt this anxious.
The kids were with Rico and Ceci today, giving Nathan the chance to focus on Bella fully, pre-surgery at least. Bella clung to his hand as the medical staff got ready to whisk her off to the operating room. They’d explained the surgery to her again already. The plan was to make an incision in her abdomen and remove just her uterus if the endometriosis and fibroids had not spread to her ovaries and fallopian tubes. If she had to remove all organs, the radical hysterectomy would through her right into menopause, which was something everyone wanted to avoid. Best case scenario was that Bella would walk away with all other organs intact and her life back. No more constant pain, no more heavy bleeding. “You’ll be fine,” Nathan had promised her. They both knew it wasn’t a guaranteed promise, but Bella just nodded and told her that she loved him. As she was wheeled to the OR, she closed her eyes and tried to think positive things. She had to make it through the surgery. She had to return to her loving husband, her kids, her family, Ithemba. She just had to. Her life was only beginning. As a young medic told her to count backwards from 100, Bella began but didn’t make it past 95 before the anesthesia took her under. She had a dreamless sleep, completely unaware of the complications that occurred midway through surgery. Of the unpredictable massive bleed that made the doctors have to race against the clock to put a stop to it. She was blissfully ignorant of the extra blood that had to be rushed into the OR and transfused into her body. Or of how dangerously low her blood pressure dropped and how close her heart came to stopping. It was probably the best sleep that she’d ever gotten. Meanwhile, the world around her was in chaos as the doctors fought to contain the bleed and save her life. |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
Categories |