For the longest while, Bella lay awake in bed, propped up on her elbow, gazing at Nathan’s still body. It wasn’t that she couldn’t sleep. Rehab had helped her find that calmness in her mind again, and as long as she continued to take her medication, that calmness remained. But she’d missed Nathan with all her heart. During the day, even when he smiled at her, she could see the sadness and the fear lingering in his eyes. Tonight in his sleep, he’d tossed off the sheets and his skin ws damp with sweat due to the warm temperatures outside. The windows were opened, blowing comforting breezes into the room. Nathan couldn’t look any more worry-free than he did in that moment with the moonlight cast against his skin.
Earlier, Bella had taken time to watch the girls and Ralphie while they slept as well. The kids seemed to have grown a lot while Bella was away. It made her wonder if she had been gone longer than just a few months. There was so much time to make up for, and honestly, she wondered if she could ever make up for the lost time. It was great to be home, though part of her felt as if she didn’t quite fit in as she used to. It wasn’t really that anything had changed; in fact, nothing had changed. Ithemba was still flourishing just as it had been before she was admitted to rehab. The intern programme was going wonderfully, the animals were thriving, and the staff seemed rather happy. Bella pushed away the thoughts that told her she wasn’t needed, but now she wondered again if her happy little family would be better off if she’d stayed away. At least it meant they were safe from any potential relapses. “Sleep…” Bella barely registered the sleepy voice as Nathan’s before his arm pulled her close. His eyes were still closed, but he was undoubtedly aware that she was awake. Bella didn’t protest. She just cuddled up against him and closed her eyes as well. She wondered, she hoped, she even maybe prayed, that things between them would return to normal. For now, it was a slow work in progress. For now, she would listen to Nathan and just sleep.
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A stranger… That’s what she’d become. Not just to Nathan, but to herself. Her head was totally clear now, though. She missed being home. It hurt to see the fear hidden behind the kindness in Nathan’s eyes. The thought alone that things would never be the same just broke her heart. Still, daily, she tried to prove to that she was ready to leave psychiatric rehab.
“My maternal grandmother committed suicide… She died when my mum was pretty young, but I heard she was pretty volatile even before that. I am the only girl in my family… ironic, that I had to have those genes passed down to me. My brother Rico had a bout of depression, I think. But it was after a break-up, so I guess that can count as a ‘normal’ thing. I don’t really drink, you know? Not unless it’s a little glass of wine for a special occasion… Alcoholism runs in my family too.” “I probably would’ve had a glass of wine a couple of days ago… it was my anniversary, you know? 10 years married.” She sighed and looked at the psychiatrist. It had probably been the most she’d talked to any psychiatrist any time in her life. But she wanted to show that she was ready to talk. To be totally transparent. “What if I pass down these awful genes to my kids? It’s possible, isn’t it?” “Is that a fear you’ve had for a long time?” the psychiatrist asked. Bella nodded. “Have you spoken to your husband about it?” Bella shook her head. “I’m afraid to bring it up. Like that would jinx the situation or something.” She smirked un-humorously. “I know that’s a stupid way to think about it but… I would never forgive myself if I pass these genes down to my kids.” Later that day, she sat in her cell, a packed duffel bag on the bed beside her. She hadn’t called Nathan yet, because part of her was scared to go home. But at last, he picked up her phone - as it had been returned to her by now. “Hello, Nathan? ...I’ve been released. You don’t have to come get me right away though. Take your time, okay?” By now, Bella could almost understand what it felt like to be a wild animal, tranquilized and held in captivity. For a while, she felt bad for the work they did at ithemba. The animals there didn’t ask to be rescued, did they? They didn’t ask to be strapped to a table and operated on, trained, rehabilitated… Who was she, and the staff at ithemba, to play gods. Eventually, though, her train of logic slowly returned. With each passing day at the psychiatric hospital, she could feel her sanity returning.
She had flashbacks of moments of mania in which she’d completely lost herself. She felt bad for the episodes that had, no doubt, frightened her family. Worst of all, she felt as though she’d failed as a mother and a wife. She hadn’t sought the help she needed before it was too late. It had to come to this point, where she had to remain in custody of psychiatric nurses and psychiatrists. Day after day, she had to endure therapy sessions, take medications, and be on her best behaviour. It was, indeed, like keeping a wild animal caged. Most of all, she missed her family tremendously. Of course she received visits from Nathan and Belie. However, she’d requested that Nathan kept the kids away. The last thing Bella wanted them to see was their mother in a madhouse. Whenever Nathan visited, however, the visits were short with very little talk except random Ithemba business. It kept them both from addressing the virtual elephant in the room. Finally, Bella felt as if she was able to face her husband. To look him in the eye and apologise. To talk about her illness, embrace it, fix it. Making a phone call, she waited until she heard Nathan’s familiar voice. “I miss you so much,” she told him. “I’m ready to talk.” “No no no no no…” Not that it made a difference, but all Bella could do was repeat the simple two-letter word over and over. She thrashed about, not wanting to be restrained. For one, she absolutely hated hospitals. She’d had enough of it. And secondly, she hated being held down. She’d had quite enough of that in her past too. She’d gone far beyond logic. Her mind no longer belonged to her, and though she’d felt herself slipping before, she hadn’t taken the measures to stop it from progressing.
Nathan had tried to help, bless him. But Bella had refused to take her medication. She was afraid, based on past experiences, of losing herself. The meds once made her feel absolutely awful. Not just physically, but she’d felt so detached. It was the last thing she needed while she was already battling with her emotions. How she ended up being rushed to the hospital, restrained by nurses, and soon to be sedated? She didn’t even know. One minute, she was about to enter the habitat of one of their newest residents - a large elephant who was severely injured - and the next moment, she was in the hospital. It would’ve taken quite a long drive, so Bella had no clue how she couldn’t remember anything in between. She glanced over at Nathan, his face pained. She felt betrayed. She wanted to ask him how he could let the medics treat her this way? Hold her down like this. Inject her against her will… But before the words could come out, the sedative took place and she fell away into blissful unconsciousness. |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
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