The soft crunch of the snow blanket beneath their boots, the chill in the air, the lights that illuminated a many structure... it certainly looked like Christmas, but Bella's heart simply wasn't in it. By now, it had been quite a while since the incident, yet life still felt unreal; as though she was just going through the motions without any life in her.
Beside her, Isa remained silent. She had agreed to accompany Bella to the shrink's office, but by the time they'd arrived, Bella had chickened out. She wasn't one to run away from challenges, but this was different. As much as she knew she needed it, she refused to talk to anyone about her feelings. With Christmas just around the corner, tomorrow in fact, she'd considered visiting her mum and baby Aubrey, but she didn't think she could handle it. On the other hand, she didn't want to keep Isa from being with her loved ones. As time ticked by and dusk began to fall, Bella had an overwhelming desire to hideout in her flat again. But she steeled herself, wanting to confront nighttime once again. "How about we grab a cup of hot cocoa and some pastries?" she suggested to Isa. Her heart lifted ever so slightly as Isa's lips curled into a small smile. It had been a while since she made someone smile... She forgot what it felt like. Well, she thought, Merry Christmas, I guess.
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First came Adam, banging on her door as though he intended to break it down. She'd sat on the couch, her hands over her ears, a mug of hot tea perched between her knees. When she had enough of his banging, she flung the mug at the door and stared as it shattered into large shards. At least that seemed to get rid of him. Thank Kobe.
Later that night, however, a more timid knock came at her door. It was Isa. “Bella, open up, it’s me, Isa… I know what happened…” Bella's blood boiled. Surely Adam had called Isa. How else could she have known? No one was ever supposed to find out about this. Ever. For the first time since the incident, heavy tears came to Bella's eyes without any hope of stopping. She curled into herself and wept until she could barely breathe. When she heard Isa's voice again, still outside of her door, she dragged herself off the couch and approached the door. She took a deep breath though it made her chest ache. this would be the first time she would truly face Isa. Post-mania. How would Isa take it? With another deep breath, she opened the door. Her BFF stood on the other side of the door, looking years older. Dark shadows encircled her eyes and her face was wrought with sorrow. Before Bella could say a word, Isa's arms were wrapped tightly around her petite frame. "I wasn't there..." Isa whimpered. Bella reluctantly wrapped her arms loosely around Isa, wanting to say so much but not having the right words. After a while, she replied: "I'm glad you weren't there. It could've been you..." Seeing Isa this way, and remembering Adam's state in the hours before, Bella suddenly became aware of just how much her behaviour affected those she cared about. Although she hated admitting it, she knew that this time it was undeniable: she needed help. Professional help. Life commenced. Despite the former night’s attack, the questioning from the cops, the dull pain that lingered in Bella’s body, and the clear indication of bruises on Bella’s face… life went on. Bella returned to her flat with the intention of resuming her everyday activities, but it wasn’t as simple as she expected. She ended up locking the door to the balcony and shutting herself in the bathroom, wary against any sound that was out of the ordinary. She’d never been the one to startle easy, but the attack had obviously taken a toll on her.
Even days later, she found herself glancing twice at shadows. She still cringed at her attacker’s intermittent invasion into her thoughts. She often jolted awake out of nightmares, dripping in cold sweat, her heart trying to surpass her rapid respirations, her head smarting as though it’d just impacted the cold concrete. When her phone rang for the millionth time—probably Adam, Isa or Matt again—she simply turned it off. When her landlady knocked on her door, she pressed her hands over her ears. Her hands trembled violently if she went too long without lighting a cigarette, but she had yet to leave the house and she was running low. Midday when she had nothing left to eat, she climbed into bed, shakily withdrew her third to last cigarette and took a long drag. Sooner or later she would have to leave the house for her survival’s sake, but today she wasn’t sure if she wanted to survive. Throbbing… Why was her head throbbing again? Stinging in fact. Spinning. Bella groaned and moved her hand to rest against her forehead, only to feel a wet, stick residue. Sweat? She looked at her hand, her brain sluggishly registering the sight. Red? Blood?
She was moving. Strange… she wasn’t walking. Was she? No… she was lying down, strapped to something. Voices buzzed around her, but she could barely make out the words. They all sounded garbled in her mind, but one voice registered after a while. “Adam?” she bought out. She caught a glimpse of his face and was momentarily relieved, but then he mentioned something about her being in an ambulance. About her going to the hospital. Immediately, she panicked. She tried to sit up, but her body was secured by the safety traps of the stretcher. “I’m fine,” she mumbled. “Let me out.” She tried to remove the straps, against the soothing words of the EMT and Adam. She didn’t want to be soothed. She just wanted to go home. She wanted to wake up in her bed. Awake from this nightmare. She wanted the sight of the sun to promise her that nothing had occurred. That she hadn’t been violated not longer than an hour ago. She wanted the cheerful chirping of the birds outside of her flat to tell her that she hadn’t beaten anyone to a pulp. The guy wasn't moving when she left him bleeding on the ground. Did he even make it? If he didn’t, would she be charged? “Let me out! I’m fine,” she said louder. She tugged and tugged on the restraints, growing increasingly annoyed until she gave way to sweet unconsciousness again. Whether she liked it or not, she would soon wake up in a hospital bed. But the nightmare would not be over. (This blog was originally removed from popmundo by Alternate She, so the exact date is unknown) The bass thudding within her chest was more than annoying. Bella practically rolled her eyes as this stranger pressed against her, barely dancing in rhythm with the music. When she could no longer take it, she shoved him aside and retreated to the bar. Tonight, the dancing did the opposite of uplifting her. It dropped her mood to an all-time low.
She monotonously ordered a series of drinks and tapped her fingers against the bar counter in time with the music, but still, she couldn’t stand it. Better at the club than at home though. At home, she was left alone with her thoughts, and that did her no good. Guilt wrapped its vice grip around her heart, and she wasn’t in the mood to face it today. She just wanted to escape it. Her head buzzed after too many drinks and the bartended inquired of her means of travel back home. Once she assured him that she wasn’t driving, he let her go. Bella held her head high and walked right out of the club. Her legs felt as though they weren’t hers, but she still managed to make them work. At last, she was heading home. The gentle breeze that blew through her hair, cooled the glaze of sweat on her skin. Just as she wrapped her arms around herself, she heard a voice. “Back here so soon?” he inquired. Bella glanced over her shoulder. “Oh for crying out loud,” she mumbled as she recognised the man’s handsome features. “If it isn’t Mr. Desperate. Came for another lesson?” she inquired with a soft snort. It was only a couple of weeks past that he’d tried to make his move on her… by taking her phone and insisting on a kiss. Bella rolled her eyes again. “Give up,” she said, walking away once again. This time, however, she didn’t have the upper hand. And before she knew it, she was grabbed from behind and flung up against the wall. The impact of the cold brick against her forehead smarted like hell. She turned, reflexively to defend herself, but her vision swam before her eyes. She swung at one of the bodies in front of her, but her fist met open air. Before she could swing in the opposite direction, the man’s large hand closed around her throat. She tried to pry his hands away but, somehow her body wouldn’t cooperate. She was frustrated with herself. She knew how to defend herself in these instances. She’d been trained! But tonight, with all the alcohol seeping through her bloodstream like venom, coupled with the searing headache, she couldn’t fight back. The dizziness quickly intensified and Bella realised she was losing air. There was no one around. Where was everyone?? She tried to scream, but it only emitted as a mere whimper. “All I asked for was a kiss,” the guy say. “Was that so much to ask for?” Even while he spoke, Bella could feel his other hand trying to tug her pants down. She resisted, bringing up her knee so that he hunkered over in pain. But it only lasted a moment, and her vision was to blurry to make sense of her surroundings. The next thing she knew, her cheek was pressed up against the wall again, the rugged surface scraping her skin as the man forced himself on her. She didn’t scream. She didn’t even fight. Instead, she gritted her teeth against the pain of violation and humiliation, her body numb to the physical happenings. But before he could finish, she’d mustered up enough strength and coordination to push him away. She turned and punched him square in the nose. When he reeled back in surprise, clutching his face, she pulled up her pants and kicked at him, aiming low. His cry of pain assured her that he aim had connected with the right body part. And when he sank down to his knees, he didn’t ease up her attack. She punched and kicked until the man lay motionless, his face a bloody mess. Bella didn’t take the time to find out if he was alive or dead. She just began to run. She wanted to pull out her phone and call someone. Anyone. But her body seemed to be losing control, step by step. She’d barely made it to the metro station before she stumbled and went crashing down on the pavement. She fought unconsciousness, fumbling in her pocket to find her phone. He fingers numbly dialed the last number she’d called: Adam’s. But just as he answered, the only word she could get out was, “Help,” then the world shut off. Bella awoke, rubbing her bleary eyes. Had she actually been asleep? Finally! She sighed with relief, but she felt a deep ache somewhere inside of her. Suddenly she felt like crying. She felt like all the energy had been sucked out of her body. Like she was living in a fog of some sort. Immediately, she pulled the covers back over her head. Sure, she’d been tired of her mind constantly racing, and of not being able to calm down, but this sudden drop didn’t make her feel any better.
It took her almost an hour to finally propel herself out of bed. She reluctantly climbed into the shower, letting the cool water pour over her body, hoping that it would snap her out of her foggy world. But the fog lived on. She rolled her eyes as she dried her hair. The sun had barely risen and already she craved nicotine. She grabbed a pack of cigarettes from her dresser and strolled out to her balcony. The sun was just beginning to peek above the horizon. A sight Bella usually found delightful. But today, she felt as though she was freefalling and nothing could lift her spirits. Well… maybe she’d reconsider after a good smoke. Yeah, maybe that’d help… And she finally answered the phone…
Isa had been calling her for days and she had yet to actually speak to her. But today she couldn’t take it anymore. “Fine, meet me at the countryside,” she said. “I’m going to pick herbs and whatnot to support my illicit drug black market,” she added with a grin. She was joking of course, but after not speaking to her for over a week, Isa didn’t find it funny. Nevertheless, they met at the countryside. Bella didn’t have the focus nor the patience to listen to Isa though. As much as Isa wanted to voice her concern and demanded to know what was going on in Bella’s life, Bella only diverted the conversation. She walked quickly across the grass, pointing out random shrubbery and plant life. She cartwheeled while Isa looked at her with reprimanding eyes and she did backflips whenever Isa called her name to get her attention. After much of this odd behaviour, it was obvious that Isa was even more concerned. Then at last, Bella tried to force herself to calm down. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’m listening,” she said. She stood still for a moment, trying to keep a straight face. “What are you trying to tell me?” “What is going on with you, Bella? You’re acting so strange. And it’s not like you to—” But before Isa could finish, Bella was walking away again, her interest lost. “Are you gonna help me find herbs or not?” she asked. Bella took another long pull on her cigarette and visibly relaxed. She had yet to catch a decent amount of sleep, and she seemed to be running on some sort of inhuman source of energy. She felt completely on edge, all the time. She ran her fingers through her hair after straightening it. Hours ago, after dyeing it a lighter colour, she’d attacked her curls with a scissors. Perhaps a change would calm her… or something.
Still, the restlessness didn’t leave her body and she felt herself unable to remain in her apartment any longer. So she took to the streets, searching for something to do. She was aware that someone of her petite stature and childlike face shouldn’t be caught dead wandering the streets at this time of the night, but she was confident that she could take anyone who dared to cross her path. She was quite sure of herself, and willing to tell the world that she didn’t care what they thought about her. She was who she was and it didn’t seem as though that would change. No matter how she looked. Her restlessness led her to a tattoo parlor where she decided on a whim to mark herself with a reminder that she would never change. Only one question: was this a good thing or a bad thing? How long had it been? 2 days? 5 days? Bella had lost count. No matter how much she tried to catch sleep, she simply couldn’t. There was still too much energy running through her body. She felt like a squirrel on crack. She lit a cigarette as she paced up and down on the pavement in front of her apartment building.
After a while, she headed back inside and tried to sit still. But as usual, restlessness washed over her like a wave, forcing her off the couch and back outside. She started walking. Then running. Going nowhere in particular. Until she was out of Notting Hill and back in London. Until her legs burned. Until her lungs felt ready to burst. Until her mind stopped racing and her thoughts cleared. Finally, she stopped, propping her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. Her phone buzzed in her pocket. It was probably Isa again. Still trying to return Bella’s call from the other night. But Bella continued to ignore her. She didn’t feel like herself, and on one hand it scared her. On the other hand, she sort of liked it. She wasn’t unhappy… but she wasn’t happy either. She was having fun, but did fun equate to happiness? All she knew was that at the moment, she didn’t seem to be the type of person Isa would want to hang out with. Isa would probably be ashamed of her. Bella would rather be seen as a bad friend than as a bad person. So until she could figure out how to get her act together, she wasn’t willing to risk tainting her image. A much as Bella wanted to slow down, she couldn’t. Even now that Adam was by her side, his arm loosely around her shoulders. Just one glance at him and she knew she wanted him now. And fast. “What next?” she echoed, responding to his previous inquiry. She smirked at him with a mischievous spark in her eyes and pulled him into the nearest alleyway.
He willingly went along with her, a look of pleasant surprise on his face as her hands worked quickly at his zipper. She eagerly welcomed his warmth into her hand, stroking firmly while her lips roamed his neck. He chuckled before whispering, “Right here?” “Yes,” she said with a smirk. It wasn’t long before Adam matched her impatience and pressed her against the wall and wrapped her leg around his waist. Bella clutched him tightly, her nails clawing his back as his thrusts rocked her against the wall again and again. She didn’t bother to suppress her moans. Instead, her sounds of pleasure echoed through the alleyway. Soon, Bella surrendered to sweet ache of his depth. She let go with a breathless cry of pleasure and Adam followed, bucking heavily against her in climax. For a moment longer, she clung to him, trying to regulate her breathing. Eventually, they both pulled up their trousers again and grinned at each other. “Thanks,” she said, chuckling. She shook her head a few times and ruffled her curls before exiting the Alleyway. "What now?" Adam asked, looking utterly amused. "I dunno," said Bella. She laughed. "Do you like dancing?" |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
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