Enough was enough. Almost all of her loved ones had visited by now: Belie, Isa, Rico and Ceci, Amanda and Niels, Adam... Damn him. His words had truly gotten to her. Everyone was cautious with her; constantly over thinking their words, and giving her 'space'. Adam had been the only one brave enough to actually hold her and tell her that she needed to let her family in. That, coming from him, was shocking.
Still, she remained obstinate, keeping locked up inside of herself. There was nothing she could say to make things better anyway, what was the point? Yet, everyone kept coming to visit her. She was tired of seeing their pitying looks, the hidden questions behind their eyes: did she jump intentionally? Did she want to end her life? Thursday night, Bella's mother remained at her side. She didn't ask any questions; she didn't even try convincing Bella that everything would be alright. She'd already spent the last day apologising for not being pushy enough to find out what had been going on in Bella's life. This night, however, she sat at Bella's bedside, reading a book aloud. After an hour or so, Bella sighed and turned onto her other side, facing away from Rosa. "I wasn't trying to kill myself," she mumbled. Rosa stopped reading, unsure for a moment if Bella had spoken. Even Bella wa unsure if the words had really come out of her mouth. Speech felt so foreign to her now; her voice sounded strange to her ears. Clearing her throat, she repeated herself: "I wasn't trying to kill myself." She heard the chair creak as Rosa scooted towards the edge. "You weren't?" she asked. "What were you trying to do?" Bella closed her eyes and pulled the covers up to her chin. "You should get some rest," said Bella. "Your tour starts tomorrow." And with that being said, she closed her eyes and refused to say anything more. It was easier to remain in lockdown mode.
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After visits from hospital psychologists, several scans and check-ups, and tons and tons of paperwork, Bella was finally discharged. Everything ached, but aside from her broken femur, concussion and sprained wrist, something deeper had been wounded. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, and she certainly didn't want to talk about it. But it was no denying the her very existence felt wounded.
Upon returning home, she headed straight to bed. Isa followed her, cautiously reminding her to take her medications. Mood stabilizers. The name alone made Bella's insides cringe. Still, she took the medication without a fuss. She pulled the covers over her head and pretended to be sound asleep when Isa checked on her. She was aware when Isa and Rico switched 'shifts'; Rico coming over to spend the night while Isa returned to her post, looking after Aubrey. She could hear their hushed words in the corridor. Words like 'worry' and 'silence' jumped out at her while the unspoken words of 'insane' and 'dangerous' seeped into her blood like poison. Bella glanced at the window, wishing she could just climb out and venture into the night air. Wishing she could escape the pitying looks from her family. She wondered why her injuries weren't enough to kill her. Not that death had been her intention--it hadn't. She simply wanted to fly. But as much as she wanted to explain that to everyone, she was painfully aware of jut how crazy it sounded. So she remained absolutely silent. If she hadn't survived, however, she wouldn't be a burden now. She wouldn't have to inconvenience her family and have them take shifts just to watch her 24/7. In the morning, Rico brought her breakfast in bed. He sat at her bedside and looked at her, mimicking her silence. For a moment, Bella thought of opening up to him, but instead, she pulled the covers over her head again and wished she could disappear. Without her, life would be so much easier for everyone. -beep beep beep-
It was all Bella seemed to hear these days. She wasn't quite sure of how she felt. She was uncertain of the pain... was there even pain? By now she was semi-aware that she was in the hospital, but she couldn't bring her groggy brain to make sense of the situation. Some days she could've sworn she felt the grip of death's hands on her lifeline. She vaguely heard Belie's voice sometimes, and Isa's. Was it Rico's she heard just the other day? Adam's? It seemed like an eternity before Bella could finally keep her eyes opened and make sense of the world around her. She took a quick inventory of herself. Her left wrist was bandaged, something heavy weighed down her leg, and there was a dull throbbing in her head. As she turned, she noticed someone sitting at her bedside. Slowly, her vision cleared and the person's face registered in her lagging brain. He seemed to have been nodding off, but as she looked at him, he perked up. "Bella?" Bella stared at Rico, lost for words. Never had she expected to see him at her bedside. It had been years since they'd actually had a comfortable conversation. "Crap..." she muttered. She had so much explaining to do. She closed her eyes again, wondering why she'd made it back to the land of the living. Death would've been so much easier. (continued from previous blog)
Eyes closed, arms spread, Bella took a deep breath and got ready to fly. As she leaned forward, her toes still gripping the banister, she heard a voice. "Bella, no!!" Bella had barely recognised Belie's voice before she felt a sudden rush as her body dropped. She flailed her arms and legs out, trying to grab on to anything, but she only managed to grasp air. The ground was rushing up and her and she desperately tried to remember all her lessons in falling that she'd acquired in her gymnastics days. In one swift rush of logic, she realised she couldn't fly. She was falling, and she was probably going to die. What were her last words? He last actions? She'd barely even had the chance to teach her new apprentice. She'd made nothing of herself. She was worthless. By Melvin... I'm gonna die worthless, she thought. She heard a snap and pain seared through her body. Her surroundings swam before her eyes and her vision darkened. She could faintly hear Belie screaming her name from the balcony. Then she could feel her jostling her arm, asking her if she was okay. Was she? Bella tried to open her eyes; she tried to see what had been the result of her foolish actions, but everything faded around her. ...darkness. Six AM and there it was again... It was like the common falling dream, but she never seemed to fall. Rather, she took to the air like a bird in flight, soaring high above the trees. Below her, London seemed to be but a mere ant farm; its inhabitants tiny insects. It felt amazing being high above the city that seemed to impede her very existence. She could be free... She could BE.
With a heavy sigh, Bella stared up at the ceiling. By now, she swore, she'd developed night vision. She'd also developed supersonic hearing, it seemed. She could hear her lungs inflate, the thud of her heart, the blood flowing through her veins... It was driving her mad. Unable to say still any longer, she launched herself out of bed and flung open the double doors hat lead to the balcony. She slid her finger along the cold banister, wondering -- not for the first time -- what would happen if she were to climb onto he banister and... fly. It wasn't impossible... Was it? (TO BE CONTINUED) As much as Bella tried to deny it, something was wrong. She wasn't alright no matter how often or how well she ignored her symptoms. Isolating herself from friends and family had become second nature to her. Anything to prevent them from noticing her abrupt mood swings and irritability. Anything to ensure that her nieces and nephew, or her younger siblings and step-siblings weren't around when she became manic or her mood bordered on depressed.
She felt she had no control over it. Some days she was literally bouncing off the walls, trying to sustain a racing mind and calm herself down. To ignored the desire to head out into the town and dance the night away, or skip through the streets like a mad woman. Was she turning into a mad woman...? Other days, she felt so down that she didn't want to get out of bed. She wondered what would happen if she just took one more sleeping pill, or two, or six.Yet her logical mind always seemed to take over in such moments. Thank the powers above! Being in Rio made Bella remember how fun it could be hanging with family. It had been surprisingly fun playing beach volleyball and beach football with her siblings and even with Emi. Who would've thought it would be so fun playing such sports with a little toddler? Bella sighed and collapsed on her hotel bed, trying to bargain with the gods. Anything to fall asleep. How long had it been? A week? Two. She needed to sleep or else she'd go crazy. She rolled over and reached out to the side table, picking up the bottle of sleeping pills. She considered it for a moment, only to toss the bottle into her open suitcase and roll onto her belly. Maybe one more night without sleep wouldn't hurt. |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
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