Psychiatrists wouldn’t approve, of course. Why would they when a large sum of their money was acquired through psychodrug therapy? After all the combined research between Bella and Nathan, they’d learned that there were other options. Many included rigorous psychological counseling, something Bella wasn’t willing to do, and certainly not where they lived. There weren’t any fancy-shmancy shrinks in the middle of nowhere and Bella was not about to drive hours and hours away to pay someone to listen to her talk. She could talk to Nathan whenever needed. She could talk to the animals at Ithemba. They held no grudges and made no judgments.
The one thing that Nathan had warned her about, however, was quitting cold turkey. It was never a good idea to suddenly stop taking a medication after doing so daily for so long. It could possibly throw her right back into remission or cause terrible side-effects. Bella still remembered all too well how it felt to slip into a manic episode or to sink into depression. Luckily for her, she and Nathan were well-aware of the red flags. Bella had to remember: positive thinking, meditation, a better diet, adequate rest… She would do everything in her power to keep her body in proper balance without psychiatric medications. She knew it was possible, especially with Nathan being incredibly supportive. She just hoped that she wouldn’t regret it.
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Six weeks, the doctor had said. Ordinarily, that waiting period would’ve been torturous, but with everything going on, it had been easy. When their minds weren’t wrapped around their loss, they were focused on the cheetahs. Ithemba kept them going. It gave them an excuse to avoid certain conversations. For weeks, Bella’s mind had been far from the thought intimacy.
They hadn't talked about whether they should consider contraception when they were ready to be intimate again. Bella felt awful that not only hadn’t they taken that step again, but they hadn’t even taken the time for simple romantic gestures. Sure, there had been tons of cuddling, but only in moments of sadness or at bedtime and morning time. One thing that was for sure was that the love they held for each other had not taken a blow from everything that had occurred. Still, Bella had no doubt in her mind that their love for each other grew more and more with each day. On Valentine’s Day, Bella awoke before the sun even started to rise. She knew that once the day officially began, they would be so preoccupied with everything else, that there wouldn’t be time for them. In the past, Bella hated Valentine’s Day, but this year it gave her a reason to rekindle that incredible spark that lay semi-dormant beneath their grief and distractions. Some quick preparations were made and then Bella returned to bed, crawling towards Nathan to press a soft kiss against his lips. She trailed light kisses along his jawline and neck, and when his sleepy eyes caught a glimpse of her, she smirked playfully at him. “Before you ask, it’s ridiculously early. Our day doesn’t start for another two hours,” she whispered. “Are you o--?” Nathan started to ask her, but Bella’s lips stole his last word. “It’s our first Valentine’s Day as husband and wife,” said Bella. “So I thought… we’d forget about everything else for a couple of hours. What do you say?” It was just one of those days when Bella couldn’t keep her thoughts at bay. Her mind just kept running through the moment she’d woken up to those awful pains, over and over again. At times she even swore that she could feel the pains all over again, but she knew it was all in her mind. The mind was a powerful thing. She’d learned that over the years while she struggled with her own psychological issues. She’d also learned the symptoms of PTSD. How often had she relived the moment when she’d been violated and abused so many years ago? Was it possible to have PTSD from a loss such as the one she’d experienced?
Luckily, Bella and Nathan now had something to distract them from what they didn’t really want to discuss. Rather than try again, they’d taken another route and focused on trying to breed Asha and Jafar. It had proven to be a little harder than they’d anticipated. Asha was quite feisty and Jafar had a mind of his own - he still had that wildness that Asha no longer possessed. Sighing, Bella closed her eyes and lay her head back against the tub. She knew the cheetahs would be fine. They were getting along more and more everyday. Jafar had even tried to make a move but Asha hadn’t quite appreciated it. Not yet. Bella on the other hand, she wasn’t sure if she was healing or not. Some days, she felt like her old self, but days like today, she felt utterly drained. She wondered if she had done something wrong. Was it her past smoking habits? Her failure to get her condition treated sooner? Would there every be any hope? Was there any point in trying again when it could end the same way as it had this time? “Bells?” she heard Nathan call out to her from outside of the bathroom door. “Are you alright in there?” Bella opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. She’d been in the tub over an hour. “Yeah,” she replied. “Just thinking…” For a moment, she paused, wondering if she should voice her thoughts. “What if I stop taking my bipolar meds?” The residual cramping in Bella’s stomach had subsided, but the emotional pain lingered. There was a hollow space in her heart and she felt quite guilty for it. It really wasn’t very long ago when her heart felt so full she thought she couldn’t possibly need anything else. Nightly, she cuddled up in Nathan’s arms. There was nothing but silence between them, but it was the kind of silence that spoke volumes. They’d both blamed themselves, but in the end, they’d accepted that it was neither of their faults. Perhaps this just wasn’t meant to be.
Those who knew had been supportive. Bella was thankful for Ada's visit and for all the positive vibes, but she simply didn't feel positive and she wasn't about to pretend either. Now, she just wanted to get back to enjoying life with her husband. Her strength had been slowly returning. The blood loss had been significant and she’d been ordered to rest for a couple of weeks, but she’d stubbornly returned to work before. It took her mind off things; reminded her that there was still joy in her life and that every night she was able to return to Nathan’s arms. Lucky to be alive. They’d suffered a loss but life was still good. Still... nights were always difficult. When the sun went down, Bella's thoughts wandered to what-ifs. What if she'd done this or that? What if the life they made had thrived? Tonight, Bella needed to focus on something else. Her thoughts wandered to the current state of Ithemba. They had a total of four rescued wild cats. There were their two young lions: Langa and Namandla. Then there were their two cheetahs: Ashaki and Jafar. The cheetahs got along quite well and even though Jafar was younger, he was of age to procreate. Bella wasn’t sure about it, but the idea of brand new cheetah cubs was such a sweet thought in her head. Glancing up at Nathan’s face, Bella asked, “What do you think of allowing Asha and Jafar to mate?” There was a trace of a smile on her face. “Just a thought…” It was bizarre. She was standing on the edge of a bridge, gazing into the ghastly water while rain poured from the dark sky. With one gust of the wind, she plummeted into the water below. In the distance, she could hear the cry of a baby. She couldn’t quite make out if the baby was close to shore or bobbing along the in waves. The current was strong and Bella felt herself being tossed around, unable to find land, unable to swim towards the crying infant. Just as she felt she was reaching the shore, a large wave knocked her back into the current… Pain seared through Bella’s stomach and she jolted upright. The surroundings of her dream quickly dissipated and she realised that she was in her bedroom, the moonlight pouring through the window. Oddly, she still felt wet. As if she had truly been submerged in water. She pressed her hand against the sheets beneath her and her hand came away wet and sticky.
A thought swam through her mind: had she wet the bed? She was about to climb out of bed to assess the situation with another pain tore through her stomach, and again before she could even catch her breath. A gasp of agony slipped past her lips and for a moment she was stunned by the amount of pain suddenly rushing over her. She tried to reach out to Nathan, sleeping beside her, but ended up clutching her belly to soothe the intense cramping pains ravaging her abdomen. ~~ At the hospital, there was a buzz of panic all around them. Bella was only semi-conscious and uncertain of what was going on. They made Nathan leave the room and the thought of having to deal with reality on her own was almost as painful as her stomach. The image on the ultrasound was hollow, matching the feeling in Bella’s heart. All the could think about was that it was her fault. She should’ve taken better care of herself, listened to Nathan when he told her to rest. She should’ve eaten more regularly, gotten more rest. A million other reasons why she deserved the blame ran through her head and all she could do is apologise over and over to Nathan for losing the life they’d created. The blood loss had been significant and Bella had to remain at the hospital for the day. She lay in the cot, her eyes closed, pretending to be sound asleep. It was easier than looking at the hurt written all over Nathan’s face. It had affected him badly too, no doubt. The day seemed to go on and on and there were times when Bella did sleep. Her body needed to recover. She needed her strength back, but the hospital seemed to only drain her. She looked at Nathan later that night and took his hand in hers. “I want to go home,” she said. She’d forgotten all about the blood that stained the sheets in their bedroom, but at the moment, she just wanted to be far away from the place where she’d learned the truth. Her body was broken after all. “Here you go, big girl. Merry Christmas.” Bella bent over the place a Christmas package that contained meat on the ground. Asha waited for Bella to give her permission and then she pounced on the package and began to tear at the paper, eager to get to the meat hidden inside of the wrapped box. Bella laughed lightly and got out of the way. She would have to pick up wrapping paper and torn pieces of the box from all over the yard pretty soon, and in a few months… well she probably wouldn’t even be able to bend over as easily as she did now.
Absentmindedly, her hand moved to her flat belly. It was so hard to believe that there was life inside of her, even after she’d taken so many pregnancy tests. They’d all been positive, and according to a few of them, she was farther along than she’d ever dreamt. It was strange. On one hand, she felt as though her body had been fixed. She wasn’t broken! But on the other hand, she wondered how ready they were to bring a baby Dwyer into the picture. Nathan’s reaction when she’d told him the news had been genuinely thrilled. If that didn’t say enough, Bella didn’t know what did. Yet, there were still some doubts lingering inside of her. She wasn’t really mother material. Sure, she nurtured animals and nursed them back to health, but human babies were an entirely different thing. Weren’t they? Asha’s loud chewing brought her out of her thoughts and she couldn’t help but laugh at the cheetah’s excitement. She walked away from her and headed back into the house. They would need to feed all of the animals again in a few hours, but for now, some relaxation was in order. Bella’s smile grew wider when Nathan met her in the doorway, waiting to take her into his arms. “You couldn’t have missed me that much already,” Bella teased. Nathan grinned at her. “What makes you so sure?” He pressed a kiss to Bella’s lips and she sighed contentedly. “Our first Christmas as husband and wife… not bad at all.” Bella sat in the jeep outside of the pharmacy for what seemed like forever. Her hands felt clammy as she removed them from atop the steering wheel and wiped them on her jeans. She’d come hours away to the nearest drugstore all by herself. The plan had been for Nathan to come along with her, but she just needed a moment to herself. Some alone time to think about things. Married life had been utterly blissful so far. They’d spent their honeymoon right at home, simply enjoying each other. There had been so many amazing moments of pure bliss and ecstasy, and each time, Bella couldn’t help but wonder if any of those moments had awakened her womb. The hormones in her system were meant to regulate her body’s natural function, but how often had they made love even prior to their wedding and honeymoon? If there was no sign of life by now, then surely there would never be any sign. As much as Bella wanted to keep the burdensome thoughts out of her head, they kept coming back. The simple fact was that she was broken. She’d accepted it years ago; she didn’t know why it suddenly took a toll on her. Then again… she knew exactly why - she just denied it. If she couldn’t ever have children, Nathan’s immediate family line ended with him. Taking a deep breath, Bella forced herself to get out of the jeep and walked into the drugstore. She perused the aisles, looking at nothing in particular, but just delaying the moment when she’d see exactly what she came for. Her eyes landed on several different brand names for condoms. She’d always found it funny that the birth control was right beside the pregnancy tests, and gods there were so many different tests.
For a while, Bella stared in perplexity at the different names and the different functions. There was the traditional non-digital sticks with the two lines. The one that gave a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ reading. The one that gave a ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant’ reading. The plus or minus one. Then there were a bunch of early result tests and even one that estimated the amount of weeks pregnant post ovulation. Bella swallowed the lump in her throat and wiped her hands on her pants again. Gods, why was this so nerve wracking. And complicated?! Bella ended up grabbing a shopping basket and dumping a few of each brand into the basket. Once she’d paid for the supply of tests and was leaving the drugstore, her phone rang loudly in her pocket. She pulled the phone out and when she saw Nathan’s name, she answered, right away. “Hello, Mrs. Dwyer. I’m just calling to make sure you’re doing alright.” The smile instantly returned to Bella’s face. “I’m doing just fine, Mr. Dwyer.” She chuckled. “Just going to grab some groceries and I’ll be home.” “Good… Hurry back and be safe. I’ll be waiting.” Something in his tone made her grin. If there was one good thing about the possibility of a negative pregnancy test, it was the perfect excuse to try and try again. Thank you all for attending our wedding all the way here in South Africa. We truly enjoyed having you here to witness our vows and the start of our married life!
Sincerely, The Dwyers (click below for the album) Before Bella’s eyes even fully opened, a smile touched her lips. The morning was warm and balmy and as Bella languidly opened her eyes she caught a glimpse of the glorious sun wafting in through the cabin windows. She was still blissfully sleepy. They hadn’t caught much sleep after last night’s wedding festivities and their quick escape to this cabin. Their home at Ithemba was full of guests - the last thing they wanted on their wedding night. Bella would have to remember to thank Inyoni for recommending this place.
Her skin tickled at the memory of Nathan’s fingers running along her spine. She could almost feel his lips caressing her bare shoulders again. In fact, it was quite vivid. Her eyes opened again and she glanced down at Nathan’s messy bed hair and dreamy eyes. Gods he was sexy. She chuckled. “Good morning,” she drawled. She giggled as his fingers slowly crawled up from her naval. “I hope you’re not planning to get out of this bed soon,” said Nathan. Bella chuckled. “What if I was planning on it, Mr. Dwyer?” “Well then... I’d just have to change your mind, Mrs. Dwyer.” The name sent delighted shivers down her spine all over again. How long would it be before the name became something not so special? She hoped never. She wanted it to always bring these feelings of adoration back to her. Her teeth captured her lower lip as Nathan’s caresses awakened her burning desires again. It was incredible that after the long night of unyielding passion they’d had, such feelings returned so readily. “I can never grow tired of this,” she said with a sigh. “My husband…” The word leisurely rolled off her tongue before Nathan grinned and claimed her lips again. A lifetime of Nathan’s kisses, hugs, and love… she was definitely glad to be Mrs. Dwyer. Everything was set. The garden had been transformed into a wonderful oasis for a marriage ceremony. The priest had already arrived, the family was gathered outside, waiting to see Bella and Nathan join in matrimony. Bella stood before the mirror, in awe of her reflection. Today, she was a bride. Her white dress hugged her curves lightly, her hair fell in delicate waves down her back, and her make-up was surprisingly neutral. The women of her family had done a wonderful job. “Ready?” The word sent chills down her spine. They weren’t chills of fear or apprehension, however. There were some nerves mixed in, but the excitement was almost tactile. Bella turned to look at her mother. She nodded while a small smile touched her lips. “Your father would’ve loved to see this day.” Bella smiled, a little sadness crossing her eyes. “I know,” she said. “But I still have my mother to walk me down the aisle.” She chuckled a bit while her mother’s arms enveloped her. hey left the house together and walked towards the garden. Every step of the way, Bella felt her heartbeat grow stronger, faster. She hoped Nathan would like the way she looked. She hoped with all of her might that they would have a happy marriage, that today would mark the beginning of forever. Gods, she hoped he wouldn’t regret marrying her.
As Bella and Rosa arrived at the garden, and all eyes turned to look at the bride, Bella’s eyes locked on Nathan’s standing at the end of the aisle. Something inside of her seemed to burst and unleash such overwhelming love that she wanted to run into his arms right away. Instead, she smiled at him and as the music began, she started her descent down the aisle, towards the love of her life. |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
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