There was no point in trying to get back to sleep tonight. Perhaps waking up was a blessing in disguise. Bella looked around the unfamiliar kitchen. It was rather neat for the kitchen of a 24-year-old guy; it was just a matter of finding where everything was. In the upper cabinets, she found cocoa, flour, salt and sugar. In the fridge: eggs and butter. She worked quietly, tiptoeing as best as she could, closing the cabinets and fridge as soundlessly as possible.
It was nice being in an actual kitchen. She’d been in the RV for so long, she’d missed cooking and baking. As quietly as she worked, she moved quickly. The last thing she wanted to do was to wake her host; it was no way to thank him for letting her stay at his place until she was better. She wasn’t sure how long it would take for her to grow accustomed to the new medicine, but there was one thing she knew for sure: if she didn’t take them, she could think clearly again. She could walk without feel perpetually dizzy. She could feel like herself. She stirred the batter faster. She didn’t want to think of all the consequences. They only made her uneasy. Pushing her thoughts away, she poured all of her concentration into the fudgy goodness. While they baked, she washed the dishes and cleaned up, making the kitchen perhaps even more spotless than when she’d started. She wandered into the living room, admiring all the opened books everywhere. Her fingers ran over the spines of a few of the leather books. Canine Anatomy, Entomology, Holistic practices in Veterinary Medicine. They were all interesting, but she didn’t want to disturb the states in which they were left, so she returned to the kitchen. Moments later, she was stuffing her mouth with brownies. The warm, gooey flavours burst on her tongue, making her temporarily forget everything. Later, she’d pack them into a container and present it as a gift of gratitude. It was the least she could do.
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One, two, three, four, five… Bella drew in a deep breath. By Melvin, she could use a cigarette about now, but she hadn't the strength to drive or walk to the store. One, two, three, four… She bit her lip, shook her leg. Up and down, up and down. The clock ticked loudly inside of the RV. Why the hell did they have a clock in this vehicle anyway? It had to have been Belie’s idea. A way to make the RV seem more like a home. But it wasn’t. It bloody wasn’t. Bella got up and bolted out of the RV, the door slamming behind her with a shove of her finger. …five, six, seven… Bella started walking, going nowhere in particular. ..ten, eleven, twelve. A soft rustle in the bushes. Like the whisper of a forbidden secret. Bella paused and stared at the bushes. It was a raccoon perhaps, or a squirrel, or some other animal who would move way too fast for her way too dizzy head right now. She looked away. “Do you have a happy place? Somewhere you can envision when you feel an episode coming on?” One… Bella took a deep breath, trying to ward off the flutter in her chest. Breathing was hard. …five… six… Bella practically gasped for breath. No… no hyperventilating. Not here, not alone in the dark where someone could… attack. “Oh Kobe,” she said despairingly. There was no room in her head for flashbacks of that kind. She had to force herself to focus on the now. She started counting faster as she rushed back towards her RV, “Onetwothreefourfive. Onetwothreefourfive. Onetwothreefourfive.” “Try counting,” Dr. Brooks had told her back in London. “You’d be surprised the calming effect it can have.” One… Bella opened the RV door and sat down right there on the floor. She massaged her temples and breathed in and out. She counted silently, her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling more evenly. …ninety-nine… one hundred.
I can't go on this way, she thought. She could feel someone's eyes on her. She opened them to discover Belie's worried face in her vision. Belie was keeping her distance though, standing between the sleeping quarters and the main room in the RV. Bella couldn't blame her, but it made her heart ache that her state could scare her younger sister this way. "Go away," she muttered. "Are you--?" "ONE, TWO, THREE--" Bella began counting loudly, causing Belie to retreat. Taking a deep breath after she'd reached ten, she surrendered to silence. To emptiness. She was broken in more ways than one and didn't know if she could ever be healed. She didn't know if she should let anyone else into her crazy little world. All she knew how to do at the moment was count... So she did. Bella hunched over with her hands on her knees. Deep breaths, she coached herself. She closed her eyes, inhaling and exhaling. Gradually, the drumming in her ears faded and the incessant hum of cicadas surrounded her in the woods. She hoped it would drown out her chaotic thoughts.
She plopped down gracelessly and pressed her hands over her ears. Her head was spinning. The US Embassy, the British Consulate, her Work Visa, immigration forms, her meds, her uninhabited apartment... It was too much. Especially when 'that feeling' was creeping up on her, and she was afraid of where it would lead to. She couldn’t trust herself. Finally catching her breath, she stood to her feet and strode out of the woods. She held her chin up and straightened her posture. She’d walk out of there as though she had it all together. She’d look her family and friends in the eye and tell them that she was fine. Yet by the time she was back in down, she could see random eyes on her. She looked as though she’d been rolling around in the mud. Her hair was frazzled and her eyes a vibrant blue mirroring the endless buzz of unease that ran through her body. Mania. The word echoed in her mind. The shrink had explained it to her. That it was a clinical term. Clinical, right. What she failed to mention was that it was synonymous to lunacy, insanity… derangement. It’s just how she looked. Deranged. She picked up the pace and soon found herself running, sprinting across town. She didn’t feel the throbbing in her legs until she’d come to a full stop inside of a building. A man sat behind the reception desk, his eyes wide with surprise and concern. “Are you alright?” he asked, standing to help her. He reached out to take her arm but Bella stepped away. “I need to see Dr. Brooks.” Her tone was more desperate than she intended. She gnawed her lip, resisting the urge to run out of the psychiatrist’s office. But instead, she stood her ground. “I need her to write another prescription.” “You’re an awful person,” Bella mumbled to herself. She sighed and glanced around at her surroundings. She was still uncertain of her decision to leave the hotel room and camp out in a trailer park, but only time would tell if it was the right choice for them. Belie was in their RV, hopefully asleep, but there was no sleep for Bella tonight. Even in the trailer park, she couldn't see the stars. The nearby city lights blotted out the natural light. That’s the one thing she disliked about NYC. It seemed to wipe out the beauty of nature.
Bella groaned and lay flat on her back. The grass beneath her tickled the back of her neck. It had been a strange week. Practically her entire family had been in New York to support Niels and Amanda as they welcomed the newest member of the family. At tiny preemie named Eliana. Bella saw pictures. She’d been aware of the bad state that both mother and newborn were in. Yet she couldn’t find it in herself to visit… until tonight. One quick visit and a refusal to hold Eliana. She was uncomfortable. Everything felt foreign. Too big. Or too small. Her mind certainly seemed too large for her head. It was constantly racing, keeping her from focusing on one thing most of the time. Unless she forced herself to relax, that is. Kobe, her sister could’ve died. As could her niece, yet she’d chosen to go hiking during the weekend with Nathan and escape it all rather than face what was really going on. It was simple. And complicated. Could it be both? She couldn’t explain it to Amanda. She couldn’t tell her that she wasn’t strong enough to look the possibility of death in the eye again. She couldn’t cope with the potential that an innocent newborn could perished while someone like Bella continued to live. She couldn’t be ‘Aunty Bella’. She couldn’t smile at her other nieces and nephew and pretend that she was alright. She was far from alright. She was out of medication. And running out of time. “Kobe help us all,” she muttered. |
Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
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