“We did pretty well for ourselves, didn’t we?” Amanda asked as she adjusted a picture frame on the coffee table.
“Yep... I would’ve liked a better review for our last performance, but…” Niels began. Amanda chuckled. “No, I mean with the kids. I mean, Emi’s happy, training in Russia. That’s a huge accomplishment already. Angelo and Eliana want to follow in our footsteps and tour the world together. Who would’ve thought. And little Nicco… he’s such a good boy.” Niels smiled and sat beside Amanda. “He is… and yeah we did a good job, I guess. There were many times that I doubted out parenting, but the kids turned out well.” Amanda nodded. “They certainly did.”
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“No problem, mum. I’ll check on them. I promise.” It was probably about the 5th time that Amanda had assured Rosa that she’d check on Aubrey and Rhys. Amanda could understand Rosa’s worry. She had her doubts too. Sure, he’d come a long way since he was placed in their home, but 16-year-old boys didn’t always know how to handle the responsibilities of adulthood.
It was late afternoon when Amanda finally found the time to drop in and check on Rhys and Aubrey. She didn't bother to knock or ring the doorbell. Instead, she quietly unlocked the door and stepped in. As she did so, she spotted, not just Rhys but, a young brunette, lying on the floor. They were all over each other, and Aubrey was nowhere in sight. “Ahem.” Immediately, both Rhys and the girl jumped, startled by Amanda’s sudden presence. Before Amanda could say anything else, the girl dashed off, leaving Rhys still sitting on the floor, caught red-handed. Amanda put her hands on her hips and glowered at Rhys. “Where’s Aubrey? Mum sent me to check in on you both, as you apparently ignored her message tonight. I’ll make sure she hears about this.” Rhys sighed. “Aubrey’s in her room, painting. I picked her up from school, made she she did her homework, made sure she ate dinner… She’s happy and safe. What’s the big deal?” Amanda finally closed the door and stepped into the house. “The big deal is, that responsibility is more than just doing those things. I mean, what if Aubrey came out here and caught you and the girl? What kind of example would that be for her? What if something happened to her in her room while you two were out here fooling around? What if--?” “Okay, okay, I get it,” said Rhys, looking annoyed. “Sorry. Do you have to tell Teun and Rosa? They trusted me to do this.” Amanda could see the sincerity on her new adopted brother’s face. She sighed and relaxed a bit. “Fine. But don’t pull something like this again. Especially not while you’re watching Aubrey.” Amanda felt like a terrible person. While she sat at her brother’s funeral, grieving his death, the thought recurring in her mind was: this couldn’t have been a worse timing. The previous day was her mum’s birthday and New Year’s Eve, today was the start of a brand new day, and the following day was to be Niels’ birthday. Amanda couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed that all of this had to happen in the midst of what was supposed to be a celebratory time.
Why Eli? Why now? Why didn’t he take greater precautions to protect himself? As far as Amanda had heard, he was walking in one of the more unsafe settings. In an expensive suit! What was he thinking? Eli was a scholar, a smarty-pants, a know-it-all. But even that couldn’t save him. Life always took the world’s most prized loved ones. Sandro, Ambra, Roy, Daphne, and once upon a time, Maë… just to name a few. The immediate family sat together in the front rows of the temple. Then again, Eli didn’t really have a lot of friends save for Elena, an older gentleman who Amanda did not know, and another guy around Eli’s age who looked like the incarnate of nerdism. The ceremony was routine. A few supposedly-comforting words from the priest, a poem read, and a few eulogies from family like Belie, Rico, and even Aubrey. Looking around, Amanda realized that Bella and Rico shared a similar expression with her. An odd combination: grief mixed with numbness. It was obvious that Ceci had also experienced her share of deaths. Would it ever stop? At the gravesite, Amanda huddled close to Niels, Nicco and Elia clutching her hands, Angelo and Emi trying to be strong. Looking around, Amanda found it quite ironic. The whole family was here. Bella’s and her family, Rico and his family, Aelin and the girls, of course, Rhys and Kenna, and not to mention Teun’s side of the family who had become closer than any blood relatives. A tiny hint of a smile came to Amanda’s lips. “Well Eli,” she said as she kissed a rose before tossing it onto the casket six feet below. “You managed to do one amazing thing here. You got the whole family together again. I’ll miss you, little brother. You were really one of the good people.” It was still difficult, trying to wrap her head around all the details of her youngest brother’s death. She couldn’t understand how someone so innately good had been killed so violently. Part of her was also angry at Aelin for keeping the new from them for so long. Yes, there had been problems with transporting his body. There were legal and foreign matters at hand, and yes she had her hands full with two young children, but she could’ve asked for help.
Despite all of this, Amanda couldn’t remain angry with Aelin. The woman was hurt so deep down inside that Amanda wondered if there was an hope of her heart being mend. She couldn’t imagine being in Aelin’s situation. What if Niels died and left Amanda alone with the children? At least Amanda had older children: Eli’s girls were only 4 and 5 years old. Did they even understand death yet? There was no consoling Aelin. As much as Amanda didn’t want to leave her alone, she ended up volunteering to look after the girls and give Aelin time to properly grieve on her own. The funeral was quickly upcoming… on New Year’s Day, Ironic…. Starting the year off with a farewell to a lost loved one. There was no real time for Amanda to grieve. Instead, she’d picked up the reins and informed her siblings of their youngest brother’s death. Rosa was absolutely heartbroken. She’d tried to make the calls, but they’d proven to be too much for her. Three and an ex-husband dead by now… Amanda could totally understand, but she couldn’t and didn’t want to imagine how her mother felt. The calls to her siblings had been made in random order. Rico first, then Bella - who would pass the message on to Belie. Teun was to pass the message on to the rest of his side of the family. Eli believed in leaving a legacy behind. He believed in history and living through memories and relics. The family would always make sure that the kids knew what an amazing father they had.. Before the end of the day, all the van Loons and Barthels who were once part of Eli’s life would know of his death. His childhood friends would know. By the end of the day, Elias Jeremy Barthel would truly be gone from this earth, but never from the hearts of those his life touched “I still can’t believe it…” Amanda shook her head as she stared at the beautiful adult that was her daughter. “I’m way too young to be the mother of a sixteen-year-old.” A little smirk crossed her face. “Mum…” Emi laughed lightly. The day had begun with an extravagant breakfast to celebrate Eliana’s 9th birthday and Emilia’s 16th. It was no ordinary breakfast for the van Loon, as it also included some of the girls’ favourite desserts. Madeleines, ice cream sundaes, and spritz cookies. Later that night, while Niels tucked the kids in after a fun-filled day, Amanda and Emi waited for him in Emi's room. It wasn't too long before Niels entered, wearing a bittersweet smile. He held small package out to Emi and said, “Originally we wanted you to open this when you were on the plane, but… Your mum…” He glanced at Amanda and winked. “I kind of want to relive the memories with you.” Emi smiled sweetly. Again, Amanda couldn’t believe how her little girl had grown from this tiny, fragile baby, to the picturesque beauty before her eyes. “So let’s watch the pictures together,” she said, sitting on the bed with the package. They slowly went through the book, talking about the various memories associated with each photo. It was unbelievable to Amanda that tomorrow, their not-so-little girl would be leaving them for kobe knows how long. Off to Paris to chase her dreams as Amanda had once intended to do. Emi had dropped the news in their laps rather suddenly. Honestly, Amanda didn’t even have the time to process it, but the last thing that she or Niels wanted to do was to hold their children back from their dreams.
“Since you’re leaving us so suddenly,” Niels said after they’d looked through the book together. “You have to do us one favour.” “What’s that?” asked Emi. Niels smiled sweetly at his daughter. “Never give up on your dreams, okay?” For the longest while, Amanda stood, partially, in the doorway of Eliana’s bedroom. She was a diligent little one, plucking carefully at the chords her daddy had taught her. She looked adorable, sitting in bed with the guitar that was perfect for her petite size. It was only last week that Niels and Amanda had caught Eliana sneaking off with Niels’ guitar, attempting to play. The frets had been far too large for her little hands, and the body of the guitar awkward against her small frame. Now, she seemed like a natural. The chords she were still trying to perfect weren’t yet too harmonious, but Amanda could tell that her little girl would be pretty good at it if she put her mind to it. “Still spying?” Niels’ whispered voice nearly made Amanda jump out of her skin. She had to press her hand over her mouth to keep from squealing in surprise. Giggling, she let him pull her away from Elia’s bedroom, and when they were safely in their own room, she sat on the bed and sighed contentedly. “I’m really glad she found something she seems passionate about.”
“So am I,” said Niels, sitting beside Amanda. They’d worried about Elia as she kept pushing to do sports or dance like her sister. She wasn’t a dancer, and sports were just too strenuous for her fragile lungs. It scared Amanda to death every time her little girl pushed herself to be as good as her sister. They already had to watch her so closely when she played outside with other kids, when it was too hot, and during swimming lessons. Guitar was safe and she had a knack for it. “I think she’ll be good,” said Niels. “She’s a natural.” Amanda smiled and leaned against Niels’ shoulder. “Just like her daddy,” she said. “I think she’ll be amazing. Maybe she could achieve those dreams you once had. Become a big rock star.” “Or country artist?” Amanda made a face, making Niels laugh. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see huh?” she said. For the past 2 years, Christmas had brought a strange feeling to the van Loon household. As much as Amanda and Niels tried to distract the kids with snowmen, hot cocoa and Christmas movie marathons, something was still missing. It had been the last time they’d spent quality time with Daphne and Maë. Each year since then, Christmas left a dull aching in Amanda’s chest. This year, it wasn’t as bad, but Amanda couldn’t help but look back at the old cards she’d gotten from her kobedaughter. The whole thing still didn’t make sense to her, but she chose to go on with her life.
After all, Amanda and Niels had 4 beautiful children who were very much alive. Children who danced freely to Christmas carols on the radio and quoted full lines from old Christmas movies. Their youngest was growing quickly. Angelo was looking more and more like his father every day, Elia like her mum, and Emi was a perfect, blossoming combination of both parents. Life went on regardless of grief. They’d had a brief visit from the van Loons, gifts had been delivered, days before, to Eli’s family already, and gifts had been shipped to New York and South Africa to the Barthels and Dwyers. Amanda had abandoned her phone for the majority of the day, and had focused all of her attention on her family. Dinner was huge. They would have plenty of leftovers, not to mention all the dessert they had. Enough to share with extended family. At night, most of the kids fell asleep in front of the TV, and after Niels and Amanda got them to bed, Amanda checked her phone for the first time. She’d received a missed call from a number she didn’t recognise. There was also a voice message. At first, she didn’t recognise the voice. But soon, the voice on the line began talking about Maë and the fact that the child was still alive. The phone dropped out of Amanda’s hand and she stared in shock into midair. “Étienne,” she mumbled, placing the voice. Niels looked at her questionably. “Maë… They’re alive…” To Amanda, one of the most rewarding things in life was watching the kids grow up and watching the family expand. The day of the girls’ 7th and 14th birthdays, the van Loon family headed back to New York for a brief visit to the Barthels. The girls were absolutely in love with baby Jesse, and Kobe was he a handsome little one.
“Congratulations on finally having a boy,” Amanda had teased Rico. He’d chuckled. “I know right.” Ceci seemed tired and not quite eager to have guests, so Amanda made sure that their visit wasn’t very long. They did, however, leave a plethora of gifts for Lucie, Rhea, and for Jesse and the new mama, of course. Amanda understand Ceci’s exhaustion. It was difficult adjusting to life with three children when one had been accustomed to two. “Don’t worry,” she’d said. “Things will feel perfectly natural soon.” ~~ With just a couple of days left in New York, the van Loons decided to make the best of each day. Soon, they would return to London, but Amanda felt a little guilty to leave her brother and sister-in-law once again. She knew, from her own experience, that it was nice to have family nearby when there was a new baby in the picture. Just some additional support. She felt torn between the home she’d grown to love as a child, and the home she’d come to find comfort in as an adult. There was family in London, but also family right in New York. As she lay in bed with Niels, she asked, “Do you think we should stay here a bit longer? How do you think the kids would feel? They’re growing up… it’s harder to move them around at our own will now.” “It sure is,” said Niels. “But we’ll figure it out.” No matter how many times Amanda reminded herself that Angelo was 10 years old, she couldn’t seem to believe it. Wasn’t he just that little, helpless newborn that she held in her arms? Now it embarrassed him if she gave him as much as a kiss on the cheek in public. If she even so much as ruffled his hair and called him cute, his cheeks turned rosy red. He was officially double digits now, rapidly heading towards adolescence. Kobe, no. Amanda hoped that time will slow down. She was already the mother of a teenager; she wasn’t yet ready to be the mother of two teens.
Angelo hadn’t quite wanted to do anything special. He was easily content that way. Still, they’d spent a day at the sea and then taken him to a shop to get a new boat for his collection. Emi had insisted on getting him a lego set as well, ‘to keep him occupied and out of her room’. Amanda was still chuckling at the notion. They were getting to those ages where they needed their space; especially Emi. Unexpectedly, the gift had turned into a family project that lasted hours and hours. Nearly an entire day, in fact. But at last, they’d managed to create an amazing lego ship. Late on Thursday night, Amanda and Niels were still sitting at the table in the family room, staring at the result of their family’s effort. “I so love our family,” said Amanda. “So do I,” Niels agreed. “I still can’t believe he’s 10.” She shook her head. “They’re growing up so quickly.” The past month had been quite a sad one for the van Loons. But after Niels’ surprise to Amanda on her birthday, she’d been able to find a bit of happiness again. Niels and Amanda's conversations had been dominated by negativity, bu tonight would be different. The kids were with Zelda for and Amanda and Niels were on the campgrounds outside of town. As they sat around the campfire, Niels’ arms around Amanda, there was silence except for the crackling of the campfire. “Let's make some s'mores,” Amanda said with a childlike grin after a while. Quickly, they got out all the ingredients and soon their fingers were sticky with molten chocolate and marshmallows. It was quite funny, though. “Remember the first camping trip I invited you to? When we were kids?” Amanda asked.
“Of course I do.” “I can’t believe we’ve been married for 14 years. We’ve truly had quite a lifetime of adventures huh?” “And it’s not over yet.” Niels leaned close and gave Amanda a sticky kiss that made her laugh. She got out some baby wipes to clean the their fingers and faces. “So what’s next for the van Loon family?” She looked at him curiously. “I don’t know." Niels caressed her face. “We’ve lived in the most amazing cities: London, Paris, New York. I guess we'll have to see where our hearts lead us next.” “What if... We do a bit of travelling with the kids? Maybe when Nicco’s a little older? I was reminded this month of how short life is. We have to… live it.” “I agree, love.” Niels’ arms came around her again. “We’ll discuss it another time. But right now… I've been married to my wife for 14 years and I'm all alone with her tonight.” Niels grinned. “I don’t know about you, but I plan to make the best of tonight.” Amanda smiled. “Oh? And how do you plan that?” Niels lips gently touched hers. “You’ll just have to wait and see.” |
Amanda at a GlanceNames: Amanda Pontremoli, Amanda van Loon Archives
August 2017
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