One, two, three, four, five… Bella drew in a deep breath. By Melvin, she could use a cigarette about now, but she hadn't the strength to drive or walk to the store. One, two, three, four… She bit her lip, shook her leg. Up and down, up and down. The clock ticked loudly inside of the RV. Why the hell did they have a clock in this vehicle anyway? It had to have been Belie’s idea. A way to make the RV seem more like a home. But it wasn’t. It bloody wasn’t. Bella got up and bolted out of the RV, the door slamming behind her with a shove of her finger. …five, six, seven… Bella started walking, going nowhere in particular. ..ten, eleven, twelve. A soft rustle in the bushes. Like the whisper of a forbidden secret. Bella paused and stared at the bushes. It was a raccoon perhaps, or a squirrel, or some other animal who would move way too fast for her way too dizzy head right now. She looked away. “Do you have a happy place? Somewhere you can envision when you feel an episode coming on?” One… Bella took a deep breath, trying to ward off the flutter in her chest. Breathing was hard. …five… six… Bella practically gasped for breath. No… no hyperventilating. Not here, not alone in the dark where someone could… attack. “Oh Kobe,” she said despairingly. There was no room in her head for flashbacks of that kind. She had to force herself to focus on the now. She started counting faster as she rushed back towards her RV, “Onetwothreefourfive. Onetwothreefourfive. Onetwothreefourfive.” “Try counting,” Dr. Brooks had told her back in London. “You’d be surprised the calming effect it can have.” One… Bella opened the RV door and sat down right there on the floor. She massaged her temples and breathed in and out. She counted silently, her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling more evenly. …ninety-nine… one hundred.
I can't go on this way, she thought. She could feel someone's eyes on her. She opened them to discover Belie's worried face in her vision. Belie was keeping her distance though, standing between the sleeping quarters and the main room in the RV. Bella couldn't blame her, but it made her heart ache that her state could scare her younger sister this way. "Go away," she muttered. "Are you--?" "ONE, TWO, THREE--" Bella began counting loudly, causing Belie to retreat. Taking a deep breath after she'd reached ten, she surrendered to silence. To emptiness. She was broken in more ways than one and didn't know if she could ever be healed. She didn't know if she should let anyone else into her crazy little world. All she knew how to do at the moment was count... So she did.
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Isabella Kaylee DwyerWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
December 2017
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