Anguish. It wasn’t even a strong enough word to describe the agony Amanda felt. She remained, kneeling there in front of the tombstones, her brain buzzing with so many thoughts. There was a deep, intense, gut-wrenching feeling inside of her. How could she not have known? Her friend, Eliana’s, had been going through this… guilt and Kobe knew what else, all on her own. She’d been right here in London in the moments leading up to her self-inflicted death. Amanda felt her stomach turn each time she thought back to Daphne’s ashen face, lifeless, lying there in the morgue. Luckily, they didn’t have to see little Maëlys. The toddler had already been buried. ‘In a better place’ people always said when their loved ones died. But the little one wasn’t in a better place. Her place was supposed to be with her mum, with her Kobefamily. Alive, happy and thriving. No amount of flowers and gifts brought to her grave could bring her back. Part of Amanda felt at fault. She shouldn’t have assumed that Daphne just didn’t want to talk to them; she should’ve reached out to her. Perhaps if she had, both Daphne and Maë would be alive today. Maybe if Amanda had never met them, they’d be alive. That first day when Amanda answered Daphne’s post in the mommy’s online forum… maybe it was a mistake. By now, Amanda should know that those connected to her didn’t live a long life. So it seemed anyway.
Her biological parents, her sisters, her brothers, her adoptive father… Their lives were filled with death. “Baby, there was nothing you could’ve done,” Niels said for the zillionth time. He wrapped his arms around her while he knelt next to her, holding her tight as her tears watered the ground at the burial site. “Yes there is. I could’ve shown her that there was still a reason to live, that she could still have a future, that we were there for her… Maybe we should’ve volunteered to babysit our Kobedaughter while Daphne had to travel, then nothing would’ve happened to her!” “We didn’t know,” Niels reminded her. “We should’ve!” Niels said no more. He only held her in his arms and let her weep until she was too tired to continue. They walked out of the cemetery slowly. Amanda felt exhausted with grief. She wished she could turn back the hands of time. Back in the hotel, were the things Daphne had left behind. A letter to her deceased toddler and a letter to Eliana along with a crucifix necklace. Amanda and Niels was uncertain how to explain it to their children. Death was never easy to explain to the child, especially one that was self-inflicted. The death of a child was even more difficult to explain to another child. Maybe one day when Elia was ready, Amanda and Niels would show her the letter her kobemother had left behind, along with the necklace. For now, she’d learn one of the hardest lessons in her young life. That nothing was permanent.
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Where had the time gone? Amanda couldn’t believe that Nicco was two years old today. Two years! Had it really been that long? A few other birthdays were celebrated today also: Dawn’s, Floor’s.
“Your birthday is quite a popular one, little man,” Amanda said as she placed him down in the kitchen. “Yeah!” Nicco agreed. Amanda chuckled as she continued working on Nicco’s birthday cake. It was just a matter of layering and adding the final decorations. She hoped everyone would like it. [image=http://i.imgur.com/OGqmtrh.jpg?1] Nicco was sitting on the floor, playing with his toy car. “You know, Emilia spent her early years in in Paris. Angelo and Eliana grew in New York.” Amanda glanced over her shoulder at her toddler. “How do you feel about London? You think you’ll like it here better?” “Yeah.” “But what about your aunt and uncle in New York. You’d miss them too much, wouldn’t you?” “Yeah.” Amanda grinned. “Thanks, Nicco. Some help you’ve been.” She laughed and covered the cake before scooping her toddler up. “So here’s the deal: once daddy and your siblings get home from the grocery shop, we’ll all go to the park. Then later, everyone’s coming over to celebrate with you. Deal?” “Deal!” It was an exciting day. Emi’s big 13th and Elia’s 6th. Everyone who meant anything was going to be there; the grandparents, the aunts and uncles, and a few friends. Only Elia’s kobemum and kobesister were missing from the equation. Amanda tried not to let that bother her. It was a big day for the girls, especially Emi, and she wanted it to be absolutely perfect. Nothing was going to ruin this day, and with luck, Elia wouldn’t notice these two important people in her life missing. The girls looked great. Emilia was growing up into such a lovely teenager. Kobe, Amanda couldn’t believe they had a teenager. A 13-year-old. She looked so beautiful in the dress she’d picked out. The purple complimented her well, and the little heels she wore nearly didn’t pass the daddy test, but in the end Niels had been okay with them. Elia was so adorable in her matching purple dress. She’d insisted on matching her sister, and while Amanda and Niels had tried convincing her to wear another colour, Emi said she didn’t mind. Teun and Rosa’s place had been decorated in pink and black. The Paris theme had been Emi’s idea, and Amanda and Niels couldn’t have been happier with the decision. The cake was incredible, the desserts looked delicious and Amanda was sure the pink soda would be appreciated by the kids. Amanda also knew that Emi hoped to meet new friends - friends of friends - so she was nervous for her little girl… teenage girl rather.
Amanda would have to get used to that. “I feel old suddenly,” she said to Niels, chuckling. “You’re not old. Only the kids are getting old.” Niels grinned and pressed a soft kiss against her forehead. “So… let’s get this party started.” “We are one good-looking family if I do say so myself.” Amanda laughed and snapped photos of the kids, all dressed up and ready to go to dinner. It would be Nicco’s first formal dinner at a restaurant. He was wearing an adorable long-sleeved polo shirt, dress shoes, and dress pants. Angelo wore a dress shirt and dress pants, and the girls wore dresses.
“Wait. Let me take a picture of you and daddy!” said Emi just as Amanda was about to put her phone away. “Angelo hold Nicco.” She took the phone from Amanda and stepped back to get a better view of them. Amanda giggled as Niels’ arms came around her before she could protest. Niels pulled her close, pressing a sweet kiss against her lips. Amanda heard the shutter click and then she said, “Okay, okay, that’s enough.” She gave Niels a playful warning look and took the phone back from Emi. “Alright, kids, let’s go!” Niels scooped Nicco into his arms while Angelo took Elia’s hand. “Wait mum, you forgot this.” Emi ran to the couch to grab Amanda’s purse. Amanda, glanced down, confused. Then she realised that the bag over her shoulder was only Nicco’s diaper bag. She chuckled. “Thanks, sweetie. What would I do without you.” Emi smiled proudly and eventually everyone was out of the door. Getting into the car was an adventure as usual, but soon they were on their way to a restaurant where they’d booked their seat for the night. It wasn’t the typical Valentine’s Night for Amanda and Niels, but they quite enjoyed celebrating with the entire family. On the way home, Emi and Angelo were looking at something on Emi’s tablet while Elia and Nicco slept soundly. Niels drove and Amanda admired the view of the city through the windows. “Do you remember our first Valentine’s day as a couple?” “No,” said Amanda, feeling bad for her honestly. Niels laughed. “It’s okay, it was a long time ago. Do you remember that year we melted chocolate for strawberries and danced around in the kitchen?” Amanda grinned. “Yep… I remember most of the night was spent in that kitchen.” She gave Niels a playfully flirtatious look. “Hmm yes indeed.” Amanda shushed him and laughed, knowing very well she’d brought that up in the first place. “That was before we had four kids.” Amanda laughed. “Yep! Regrets?” “Nope…” Niels smiled sweetly at her. “But I'll be finding us a babysitter for this weekend. And in their absence, there will be champagne and chocolate covered strawberries involved.” Amanda grinned and nodded. “Deal,” she said. “A Valentine’s Day part two.” At the red light, Niels leaned over and pressed a kiss to Amanda’s lips. “I’m glad you’re my forever valentine.” Hello ballerinas and ballet dancers. Welcome back to class. I don’t know how many of you remember our lesson on different types of ballet, but today’s lesson is a little similar to that one. Sometimes ballet portrays different cultures, at least in contemporary styles. For example: a ballet about an African princess may have some elements of African dance. Or maybe a ballet about Princess Jasmine from Aladdin might have some Arabian styles. These are examples of fusion ballet and is really fun to watch and dance too. What culture do you think would be really cool combined with ballet? You can’t use African or Indian. *laughs* Feel free to think of Disney movies. Always useful and Miss Amanda loves Disney! Make sure you attach a picture too.
Next week will be our last class. It will also be my last day at the New York Schools so we’re going to have a little recital and a big after party with cupcakes and cookies. See you all then! It was about time that the van Loon family visited Aubrey. It was a little difficult with school in session, but this was important. Amanda sent an e-mail ahead of time, to Joanne, explaining that she had a family emergency and needed a substitute for this week. Then, after an apologetic farewell to Daphne and Maë, the van Loon’s bags were packed and their tickets were booked.
Perhaps Aubrey would have a miraculous New Year’s Eve recovery, or maybe even a New Year’s Day recovery. Either way, Niels and Amanda felt that their parents and their youngest sister could use their support. Maybe it would even give Teun and Rosa the chance to step away from Aubrey’s bedside for a moment. The arrival in London was always exciting. The kids were talking non-stop about being able to see a few of their aunts and uncles again. They’d see baby Athena, maybe get to visit Hyde Park or the London Eye. Amanda and Niels had explained to them that because of the situation in London, they might not be able to do all of that, but after all, they were kids. “We need to find some time, before we head back to New York, to show the kids some fun,” Niels mentioned to Amanda as they checked into a hotel. Amanda nodded. “Definitely.” She walked towards the window and was soon joined by Emi. Life was funny, and even cruel, sometimes. Their lives were in New York, but somehow their hearts always brought them back to London. Even for the most tragic of events. The smell of freshly baked speculoos and butter cookies filled the air. Emilia and Angelo were busy in the kitchen, melting chocolate, while Elia chased Nicco around the living room. Nicco’s adorable giggles filled the room as his bigger sister pretended that she couldn’t catch him. Amanda leaned against the doorframe of the living room, admiring her two youngest. In an hour or so, it was lunchtime. This year, since the kids were very much aware of cultures and traditions, the van Loons were having a mixture of Belgian and Italian food. They were having the traditional Natale lunch. A delicious pasticcio al forno for the first course with a very seasoned braised beef and potatoes as a second course. Soon the scent of cookies were overpowered by the delicious lunch, fresh out of the oven. Amanda was just about to join Niels in setting the table when her phone ‘dinged’ in her pocket. There was a picture of her kobedaughter Maë and a message. Santa is generous this year. It has a little present for you that is 4 years old, bubbly, and loves rainbow kitty outfits lately. Two extra plates for us at the Christmas table? :) Amanda gasped. She still wanted to surprise the kids though, so she quietly went to Niels and showed him the text. She was bubbling over with excitement. Maé must be so big by now, Kobe. “I’ll get two extra plates,” Amanda said. “If the doorbell rings..” She beamed and set off for the kitchen.
The table was set and the kids’ hands washed. Amanda was just about to place Nicco in his high chair at the table when the doorbell rang. “Elia,” Amanda called out. “Let’s go see who’s at the door.” She winked at Niels and took Elia’s hand. Soon, the door was opened and Elia’s excited squeals filled the atmosphere. Lots of hugs and kisses were exchanged and then Amanda said, “Come, come. Lunch is waiting. You two are just in time.” Niels took Maë’s and Daphne’s coats while Amanda led them to the dining room. “We’re having Italian pasticcio al forno for lunch, but what until you see the Kerststronk we made for dessert.” “It's Belgian! Like daddy!” Elia excitedly pointed out. “There are cookies too! And I got a new doll. And--” “Elia, sweetie,” Amanda gently interrupted. She smiled widely at her little one. “I know you’re really excited to see your kobesister, but you’ll have lots of time to catch up today.” The lunch went by smoothly, aside from Nicco’s usual messes. But soon, it was time to bring out dessert. “Maë we already shipped your gift off to London so we don't have one for you right now.. But how about if you get an extra slice of the Kerststronk, hmm?” New York was alive with trick-or-treaters, especially within the van Loon’s neighbourhood. There were kids everywhere, from the scariest of costumes to the most adorable. Amongst the van Loons, there was a Little Red Riding Hood, a Kylo Ren, and a mini Amanda disguised as a fairy. The smile returned to Amanda’s face every time she remembered how her younger daughter had insisted on being Amanda for Halloween his year. At home, she wore a dress and was walking around in heels, but Amanda and Niels had persuaded her to wear an actual costume for trick-or-treating. This year, Nicco was actually able to enjoy the trick-or-treating. Most of the trip, he was delighted with going from house to house, enjoying his first lollipops. It was so enjoyable just watching him have such a blast. Even Emi, Angelo and Elia were entertained by the youngest van Loon’s pure joy over this first real experience. On the way back home, Elia kept shouting to everyone, “Happy Halloween!” And indeed, it was a great night.
Hello ballerinas and ballet dancers. Welcome back to class. As we do every year, I will like you all to introduce yourselves. You can tell me all your likes and dislikes, and about your family, but I always want you to tell me your favourite dance move, your favourite type of dance and anything else about you that’s related to dance! For your second assignment, I want you all to tell me why we stretch before dancing! What’s the importance of warming up. If you don’t know, don’t be afraid to make a guess. We’ll discuss it next class. I've left a sample down below for you all to read. My name is Amanda van Loon, but you can just call me Miss Amanda. I've been dancing since I was about seven years old and my favourite type of dance is classical ballet. I once dreamt of becoming a prima ballerina, but life had other more exciting things in store for me. Now, my favourite job next to teaching you wonderful children, is being a mum. I absolutely love it. I have four little angels, and my eldest loves to dance as well. I have a lot of favourite moves, but my most favourite is arabasque simply because it looks so graceful. Comments #1. I have met Emi!!! She is so cool, teacher! Just like you!
Emily Darcy #2. Aww that's nice to say. Thank you, Emily! Amanda van Loon Emilia was at school, Angelo and Eliana were at the table working on their own homeschool work and the babysitter had settled in. Amanda took extra time to say goodbye to Nicco. She cradled him in her arms, tickled him, played with him, nursed him, and when he was satisfied and content, Amanda and Niels left for the hospital. As they arrived, Niels parked and got out to take Amanda’s hand. They began walking towards the hospital. Niels glanced at Amanda. “How are you feeling about all of this? I’m a little nervous but I’m sure all will go well. I hope I’m not making you more nervous?” He chuckled. Amanda laughed lightly and shook her head. "I don't think it's possible for me to be any more nervous than I already am. So you're safe." She winked at him and began walking, following Niels' lead although she also knew where it was. She tried to empty her mind of all the negative thoughts that were trying to take a hold of her. Everything would be fine. She had to believe that. At last, they entered the building and walked up to the desk to check in. After that, they were led to a room where Amanda would be prepped for the procedure. Amanda had expected time to drag by but it went by so alarmingly fast. Niels held on to Amanda’s hand while they waited for her to be wheeled to the Operation Room. "Thank you for being so supportive about all of this," Amanda told him. She smiled softly at him and then took a deep breath, trying to calm down. As the nurses arrived to take Amanda away, she held on to Niels' hand tightly. She knew it wasn't too much of a major surgery but… "No matter what happens, I love you with all my heart and soul.”
Niels smiled back at her, looking into her eyes. "And I'll love you with everything I have, Mrs. van Loon! I'll see you on the other side of this operation." He walked with her for as long as they allowed him, and right before he had to let go of her, he whispered. "Ti amo, amore mio. You'll always be my Princess." Amanda felt her heart warm and fuzzy with his words. As she arrived in the O. R., she thought of all the positive things about the procedure: she could focus on watching her 4 children grow up, having a more spontaneous love life without any risk of pregnancy… Everything will be alright… She knew it. |
Amanda at a GlanceNames: Amanda Pontremoli, Amanda van Loon Archives
August 2017
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