Anguish. It wasn’t even a strong enough word to describe the agony Amanda felt. She remained, kneeling there in front of the tombstones, her brain buzzing with so many thoughts. There was a deep, intense, gut-wrenching feeling inside of her. How could she not have known? Her friend, Eliana’s, had been going through this… guilt and Kobe knew what else, all on her own. She’d been right here in London in the moments leading up to her self-inflicted death. Amanda felt her stomach turn each time she thought back to Daphne’s ashen face, lifeless, lying there in the morgue. Luckily, they didn’t have to see little Maëlys. The toddler had already been buried. ‘In a better place’ people always said when their loved ones died. But the little one wasn’t in a better place. Her place was supposed to be with her mum, with her Kobefamily. Alive, happy and thriving. No amount of flowers and gifts brought to her grave could bring her back. Part of Amanda felt at fault. She shouldn’t have assumed that Daphne just didn’t want to talk to them; she should’ve reached out to her. Perhaps if she had, both Daphne and Maë would be alive today. Maybe if Amanda had never met them, they’d be alive. That first day when Amanda answered Daphne’s post in the mommy’s online forum… maybe it was a mistake. By now, Amanda should know that those connected to her didn’t live a long life. So it seemed anyway.
Her biological parents, her sisters, her brothers, her adoptive father… Their lives were filled with death. “Baby, there was nothing you could’ve done,” Niels said for the zillionth time. He wrapped his arms around her while he knelt next to her, holding her tight as her tears watered the ground at the burial site. “Yes there is. I could’ve shown her that there was still a reason to live, that she could still have a future, that we were there for her… Maybe we should’ve volunteered to babysit our Kobedaughter while Daphne had to travel, then nothing would’ve happened to her!” “We didn’t know,” Niels reminded her. “We should’ve!” Niels said no more. He only held her in his arms and let her weep until she was too tired to continue. They walked out of the cemetery slowly. Amanda felt exhausted with grief. She wished she could turn back the hands of time. Back in the hotel, were the things Daphne had left behind. A letter to her deceased toddler and a letter to Eliana along with a crucifix necklace. Amanda and Niels was uncertain how to explain it to their children. Death was never easy to explain to the child, especially one that was self-inflicted. The death of a child was even more difficult to explain to another child. Maybe one day when Elia was ready, Amanda and Niels would show her the letter her kobemother had left behind, along with the necklace. For now, she’d learn one of the hardest lessons in her young life. That nothing was permanent.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Amanda at a GlanceNames: Amanda Pontremoli, Amanda van Loon Archives
August 2017
Categories |