Christmas Eve hadn’t been the happiest of holidays this year. They’d expected to celebrate Rhea’s first birthday, bake cookies, wrap presents. They didn’t fathom attending the funeral of a lost friend. Walker… Amanda shook her head as she stirred a pot of porridge. Life was so fragile. One moment, there was what seemed like a new beginning and the next, any potential happiness had been stolen. His family left to mourn. His girlfriend, his son. What would become of her children if she and Niels were to meet an unexpected demise?
Elia still didn’t have any kobeparents. Amanda made a mental note to discuss it with Niels when they had a chance. But lately they didn’t have chances to talk about things. Niels’ arms came to wrap around Amanda’s waist from behind. His face pressed against the side of her neck. “It’s early,” he mumbled. “Why are you out of bed?" Amanda shrugged. "Stop… Thinking…” Niels whispered. He kissed her shoulder softly. “It’s Christmas. You love Christmas.” She could hear something in his voice, so sad that she felt bad for sulking around. “I’m trying,” Amanda whispered back. She sighed and turned the stove off, covering the pot. Turning to Niels, she wrapped her arms around him and rest her head on his chest. For a moment, she just stood there, her eyes closed, trying to empty her mind. Then a moment later: “Merry Christmas!” “Babe?” She could hear that Niels was grinning before she looked up at his amused face. She turned and saw all three kids standing at the kitchen entrance. Angelo beside Emi and Elia in Emi’s arms. A light chuckle broke free and immediately her sadness was forgotten. It was impossible to remain sad, looking at the beautiful sight before her eyes. “Merry Christmas,” she replied, going to hug and kiss her kids. If she spent life thinking about the what ifs, she couldn’t enjoy these moments. Sometimes it was easier to see things through a child’s eyes.
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Guilt clenched deep within Amanda’s belly as she’d awoken to Angelo’s little voice. “Mummy, mummy, it’s my birthday!” he was saying. It had taken Amanda a moment to realise what he was saying, but when it registered in her sleepy brain, she sat up abruptly. For a moment, the shock was clear on her face, but she quickly had to correct her expression. She’d forced a smile onto her lips and said, “Of course it is! You’re five today.” But mentally, she was cringing. She’d looked to Niels’ side and discovered him gone, but soon he stepped out of the en suite, a towel around his waist. “Look,” Amanda had told him. “Our birthday boy is awake bright and early.” There’d been no special celebrations that day, despite it being quite an important milestone. The night before had been hellish, with Elia just being discharged from the hospital after being rushed to the ER. In the year before, her untimely birth had stolen the attention from Emi’s 8th birthday, and now her newest crisis had totally distracted Amanda from Angelo’s 5th. What kind of mother was she, forgetting her son’s birthday? She was still being hard on herself days later as they prepared for a small party. There wasn't anyone else in town aside from the Barthels, but they were more than happy to come over for some cake and ice-cream and of course there was Lucie and Rhea to offer plenty of entertainment for Angelo. Niels found Amanda in the bedroom, her eyes wet with tears. She asked the question she’d asked countless times since Angelo’s forgotten birthday. “How could I have forgotten. How could we have forgotten?” She casted an accusatory glance in Niels’ direction. But the blame remained on her. She was the one in the family who remembered all of the important dates. Not Niels. Her. And she’d failed epically. “I think I’m losing my mind,” she told Niels. “I really am.” Niels wrapped his arms around her though she wasn’t in much of a mood to be hugged. “Baby… it happens.” “Not to me,” Amanda retorted. It was a clear indication that the conversation was over. Yet somehow, she managed to pull her act together and return to the little party in the living room. Angelo was more than happy. He’d never noticed that his parents forgot his birthday, nor did he care that it hadn’t been celebrated on the day of. He was just happy to be five. Despite Amanda’s dampened mood, at least she knew one thing: she had the best 5-year-old in the world. Comments
Amanda held on to the railing of the hospital crib, letting tears fall. "What did I do wrong? First Angelo had to spend the first years of his life going to hundreds of physical therapy sessions. The pain, the numbness in his arm... and we still have to keep our eyes on it. And now our baby girl, born prematurely, struggled to survive her first days on this earth... and it's resulted in this?"
Niels hugged her tightly. “Sssssssh love…” he whispered. “You didn’t do anything wrong… It’s a cruel joke of fate that we have to endure this, but Angelo’s getting through it all fine, his arm seems to be better, and I’m sure our little Elia will manage to overcome this…” Amanda couldn’t seem to stop crying. She looked at their youngest child, so fragile, lying there in the hospital crib. There was an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, a few wires monitoring her pulse and oxygen levels, and a small butterfly needle pumping antibiotics into her little body. Bronchitis--no knowledge of whether it was acute or chronic--and asthma. It could improve with time; Elia could possibly outgrow it, but for now, she was in the hospital, hooked up to machines just as she’d been as a newborn. It broke Amanda’s heart. Even after hours of sitting there at Elia’s crib side, doing research of her own with Niels right there beside her. After finding many ways Elia’s illness could be managed. She still felt uneasy. Like this was her fault. Had she done something wrong? Physically? Spiritually? Was this karma? Was this Fate trying to tell her that they weren’t meant to have any more children? She couldn’t help but think the worse. Niels left the hospital to collect Emi and Angel from Bella’s place. Bella had been the only person available to babysit last minute, and both Niels and Amanda knew she hated babysitting. Later that day, when Niels called to check on Amanda and Elia, Amanda suddenly blurted out, “I think this is it. No more baby van Loons. I’m done.” Amanda frowned at the words on the screen. She'd spent what seemed like hours trying to phrase her words correctly, but it sounded terrible. She needed to be formal, but friendly. But she needed to ward off creeps so friendly wasn't a good way to go. Massaging her temples she closed her eyes and try to think of the right words, but none came to her. She closed the browser. Moments later, she opened her blog site and began to type. My siblings and I grew up with a mother and father who were remarkably busy, daily. They were either rehearsing, preparing for performances, meeting with their publicists or accountants, arranging future shows and press conferences, etc... My mother Rosa had a PA that we all called Fran, but her name was something way fancier. However, we only saw Fran when our parents had to rush off to a show or press conference. Cousin Isa had been kind to take the family to the De Benedetti Vineyard to experience ‘a day of work’. Emi and Angelo had been more than willing to help their pick grapes. The rest of their time at the vineyard was spent walking among the neat rows of fences wrought with lush grapevines. Amanda was impressed with all the hard work that upheld the vineyard. It had been passed through the generations and now was tended by Cousin Isa, her husband and her hired staff. As they reached open land once again, the kids took to a game of tag. Elia, obviously not quite understanding the object of the game, ran haphazardly while her brother and sister took turns being 'it'. She looked utterly happy; laughing, her green eyes lit with excitement. Emi had dressed her today and Elia seemed to approve of the outfit, because there were moments where she spun around just so that the tutu flowed around her. Niels laughed and commented on how smart their little one was to figure out the 'purpose' of a tutu. Elia was beginning to slow down again as exhaustion took its toll on her. She was also starting to cough more than usual. Perhaps they’d spent too much time in nature and the grasses were bringing out the worst of Elia’s allergies. Amanda lifted her little girl and planted a kiss on one of her flushed cheeks. Elia continued coughing, unable to stop it seemed. She rested her head on Amanda’s shoulder and hugged her tightly, fussing between short spells of coughing.
Amanda glanced worriedly at Niels. “We better head back to the villa,” she said. “And when we get back to New York. I’m taking Elia to a new doctor.” Niels nodded. He knew it wasn’t a question; it was a statement. Amanda rubbed Elia’s back. Something was wrong and she was going to get to the bottom of it. Even if she had to visit 20 doctors until she got her answer. “I want to ride Dondola!” Emi exclaimed as soon as they’d finished eating breakfast.
“Me too!” Angelo echoed. Amanda laughed. “Whoa! Digest a bit first,” she told her two eldest. “I think even the horses would appreciate you both taking some time to digest before you go romping around.” Emi frowned a bit, but it didn’t last very long. She went on to tell her parents how she was certain she was ready to jump hurdles and do the ‘more difficult’ horseback riding skills. Niels, as usual, was very encouraging, but was sure to tell Emi that they’d take it one step at a time. After all, it had been a while since they’d taken the kids horseback riding. It was Elia’s first time in Tuscany as the last time the van Loons had been there, it had been during Amanda’s pregnancy. Juggling the baby girl on her knee, Amanda glanced down at her and said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if you love horses as much as your brother and sister. You had the chance to spend time with them before you were even born.” Emi gave Amanda a strange look, making Amanda laugh. Amanda was quite aware of how stupid she sounded, but it made no difference to an infant who could barely say simple words. She could only hope that Elia wouldn't be frightened by the massive animals. Based on her reaction to most things lately, Amanda was mentally preparing for another tantrum, but she hoped she'd be proven wrong. It was just the start of their vacation, but Amanda felt more relaxed already. She hoped the change of scenery, with all the open land, fresh air, and the horses of course, would do wonders for Elia’s chronic fussy nature. Maybe Tuscany would continue to bring them hope as it had through the years. It wasn’t the most romantic of anniversaries. While Amanda had awoken to a soft kiss from her hubby, their silence was promptly disrupted. As usual, Elia awoke just when they did, her cries ringing loud and clear through the baby monitor. Since they had to leave early anyway, they took the opportunity to get the kids ready and head out for Elia’s appointment with the pediatrician. It was a rather quick check-up, and this doctor had been their second opinion, but even as they drove back home, Amanda was silent with worry. “Do you think we need a third opinion?” she asked Niels.
He glanced at her as he drove. “Maybe not... Allergies do explain the long-lasting ‘cold’, and it is pretty much allergy season. Let’s see how the medicine works out before we resort to a third opinion” “You’re right,” said Amanda, although something inside of her was screaming: you’re wrong. But maybe she was just being paranoid. They returned home and the kids were hungry, so they all cooked brunch together. There was lots of giggling in the kitchen, random tickle attacks, and whenever Angelo and Emi thought that their parents weren’t looking, they flicked flour at each other and giggled about it. Niels and Amanda exchanged glances, amused at the scenario. Midday brought more fun. They’d originally thought of a walk in the park, but with Elia’s diagnosed allergies, Amanda was wary to spend outdoor time too soon. Today, even when she was coughing every now and then, the infant seemed in good spirits. Lunch followed, then later in the afternoon Elia's mood dropped and she threw a tantrum, refusing to be consoled. She'd been fed, changed, played with, and she'd already taken a nap. Yet she refused to stop crying. Amanda rocked her in her arms and kissed her forehead. “I wish you could talk,” she said. “So you could tell us how you’re feeling.” Elia pouted at her, her green eyes filled with tears. Amanda took another approach to calming her baby girl down. She rocked her and said in a soothing voice, “Did you know today is mummy and daddy’s anniversary? We’ve been married for 9 years!" “Mummy?” came a small voice. Before Amanda even noticed him, Angelo was climbing into her bed. “A’ you ta’king to Ewia?” he asked her. “I am,” said Amanda, smiling as Angelo nuzzled up beside her. Elia was looking at them with curious eyes now. “9 years ago, daddy and I got married. It was a pretty big wedding since you have so many aunts and uncles. And then we had a big party in our home here.” “A big party?” asked Angelo. "Hea'?" “Yup! It was amazing. Let’s see.. can you--” She stopped as she heard a small knock on her door. Emi was standing there, giving her a strange look. “Am I missing a cool story?" she asked with a playful grin now. Amanda laughed softly. “Join us,” she said. “I was just telling your brother and sister about my wedding. I was just about to ask if anyone could guess how old I was when I met your father.” “I know this one,” said Emi, beaming proudly. “Nine,” came another voice. It was Niels, standing at the door. “Daddy!!” Emi exclaimed. “I knew the answer.” She pouted a bit. Niels chuckled and climbed into bed as well. “Ok, ok. How about… how old was I?” “You were turning 11 soon,” said Emi. Amanda smiled widely and looked at her family. The result of 9 wholesome years. Elia was relaxed in her arms, Angelo now cuddled up between himself and Emi, and Niels holding them all together. Despite their worries lately, and discussions about their future; despite the small tensions of things they didn’t completely agree on, their lives were good. They had 3 happy children, 9 years of marriage and 2 decades of friendship. Despite everything, it was a happy anniversary. |
Amanda at a GlanceNames: Amanda Pontremoli, Amanda van Loon Archives
August 2017
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