10 years of marriage… Amanda couldn’t believe it. As she lay in the Florentine hotel bed, her head against Niels’ warm chest, she thought back to her early teen years when she’d imagined moving to Italy with Niels. Back then, they’d had big plans for their lives. When Niels had finally fallen asleep, Amanda slipped out from his warm embrace and went to her laptop. She searched through old homework folders, looking for one particular assignment they’d been given in the Next Generation Project (NGP). At last, she found it and the smile on her face couldn’t have been any larger. Describe a day in your life when you’re 30 years old. Amanda chuckled as she read what she’d written at age 14. She was quite a little romantic even then, wasn’t she? Things hadn’t quite gone according to plan. There’d been no touring, no amazing career accomplishments. She’d never become that prima ballerina she’d dreamt of nor that flamenco dancer touring in a latin band with her husband. They had never lived in Rome nor in any other Italian city. Most surprisingly, they’d ended up in New York--the last place they predicted.
However, just as Niels had always predicted, they had a girl first. Except, at age 30 Amanda not only had one daughter, but two daughters and a son. Unable to resist, Amanda crawled back into bed, her laptop, balanced on one arm. “Babe,” she whispered, poking him. “Baby look…” When he sat up sleepily, she turned the laptop towards him, immediately receiving a grimace as the computer screen was too bright for his newly opened eyes. She giggled and apologised, but eventually, Niels was able to read it. “I remember this,” he said, his smile matching hers. “You kept this?” Amanda nodded. “I only just remembered though. I’d made a little promise to myself back then to see how close my life came to that prediction.” Perhaps her prediction had been solely based on her love for Niels. She hadn’t considered that they’d end up with 3 children, or that they would have faced such challenges when it came to child rearing. She hadn’t predicted that she’d have two children with mild difficulties--Elia with asthma and Angelo with his damaged arm--or that she and her husband would disagree on whether it was time to retire from the baby-making business or not. Still, though things hadn’t been as perfect as her 14-year-old self had predicted, she was absolutely grateful. She’d returned to the present moment as the room plunged into darkness again. Niels had turned off the laptop and set it on the side table. Amanda had only felt the bed shift before Niels’ loomed over her, his weight supported on his arms, his lips only centimetres from hers. “Since you’re awake…” he whispered. Amanda burst into soft laughter before her arms wrapped around him, holding him close. “When in… Florence,” she said, and then his lips claimed hers.
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“I was lucky to have two fathers. One who brought me into this world and one who raised me as his own. We didn’t always get along. Especially in those teen years when my love for Niels was deeper than any girl my age should love. I didn’t understand then that my father was trying to protect me from unseen dangers. I didn’t know his protectiveness was an act of love rather than of control. All I knew was that he was trying to keep me closer for just a bit longer. That he was trying to guard my heart from pain. I learned from a young age that there were consequences to everything; even the most beautiful of things. I learned that love had so many levels. That it wasn’t just physical or verbal. You didn’t need to tell someone constantly that you loved them in order to know so. You don’t have to necessarily tell someone that you forgive them for them to know…”
Amanda paused, trying to regain her composure. The tears were hot behind her eyes and a tight knot was forming in her throat. She took a deep breath. “I know quite a few of us didn’t get the chance to tell our father, Lorenzo and Jari one last time that we loved them. Or depending on the scenario that we forgave them… or even that we’re sorry. But I have to believe that wherever they are, they know that they were loved, forgiven, and that we were sorry for any problems we may have caused while they were alive.” The words of Amanda’s eulogy echoed in her head hours after the funeral. She walked around Niels’ flat, glancing at all of the pictures on the wall. Of the happy childhood that she’d been lucky to have when she walked into the Barthels’ lives at age six. She’d learned the love of a father. She’d experienced luxury. She’d traveled all over the world. She’d been given the chance to learn from some of the best private ballet instructors. Standing in front of a picture of her and Roy, she smiled widely now. “Wherever you are…” she whispered to the picture on the wall. “Thank you.” Death was too familiar to Amanda, but it didn’t remedy the sting. This one was gut wrenching and stole her breath away. It was hard to process. The man who had so graciously adopted her. The younger brothers she’d grown up with and loved as though they were connected by blood. All three of them. Gone. No cause was given. Her mother didn’t want to talk about it, and quite frankly, Amanda wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it.
She’d left LA in the early morning after receiving a call from Niels, requesting that she returned home immediately. But nothing could’ve prepared her for this. She hadn’t cried. Not yet. She’d just asked for alone time to contemplate. She hadn’t been on the best of terms with her dad. Not since her teen years when she’d chosen Niels over her father’s dislike against him. They’d fought over and over about this to the point of simply not talking anymore. There were no more Christmas cards sent to him, no more friendly text messages, nothing. She’d been meaning to forgive him, for hating the love of her life to the point where he wanted them divorced. She’d been angry that he didn’t care that he had grandchildren born out of this pure love. He’d died knowing that she was mad at him. And for that she could never forgive herself. “I’m so sorry…” she whispered, though she knew he couldn’t hear her anymore. “I’m so, so, so sorry.” Then there were Lorenzo and Jari. The little rascal and the everlastingly-cheerful, curly-haired boy. They’d grown onto such handsome men, but the divorce had cleaved the family in half and they’d drifted away. Still, it pained Amanda. They’d been taken away from this world way too soon. She wasn’t ready. She longed for one last time to tell them how much she loved them. To forgive them for taking their dad’s side. She wanted to hug her dad and tell her how much she appreciated everything he’d done for her. They had their differences but the love was real. “I’m so sorry,”she said again. “Forgive me.” Amanda said the same thing every year but she had to say it again: time flies! She couldn’t believe her eyes as she looked at the photographs that Rico had taken of the girls. They were growing up so beautifully. They looked so much alike too, yet different. Elia had Amanda’s hair colour and green eyes, but was more of Niels’ complexion. Emi, on the other hand, seemed to share most of Niels’ traits: the blue eyes and the dark hair, but had inherited that olive skin tone from her Italian genes.
They were beautiful. Two beautiful little miracles. One born perfectly healthy and the other with a will to survive despite the odds against her. Even now, she was running around in the park, enjoying the spring weather. Amanda had a feeling that her brand new dress, purchased specifically for photographs, would be ruined, but Elia was happy today. Her eyes had that sparkle and her smile couldn’t be any wider. As usual, Amanda felt inclined to lift her baby girl into her arms and force her to rest so she wouldn’t overdo herself, but Niels kept assuring that she was fine. Emi spent the entire day reminding them that she would be double-digits next year. Amanda didn’t want to think about it. She still pictured that little baby girl with the chubby cheeks and the wide, inquisitive eyes. Not this growing tween that was obviously excited to become older. “Can I have a birthday party next year?” Emi asked. “Please? And with a shirt that doesn't say 8?” She grinned. Amanda grinned. “Never too old for those puppy eyes, I see,” she said. Emi giggled and shook her head. “Of course we can,” she said. “What better a way to celebrate.” Despite all of the hardships lately, there were those moments when time seemed to stop. When everything seemed simple and absolutely, delightfully perfect. Those were the times where one should 'stop and smell the roses'. It was a good day. Elia, who had spend most of the night keeping her parents awake, was a picture of perfection today. She was rather cuddly, giving Emi a reason to teasingly suggest, "Maybe she knows it's Valentine's Day."
It was certainly not a romantic day, but Amanda had a new found appreciation for the father that Niels had become. He was attentive, patient and so loving. And even with Amanda's stress levels at an all time high, and her patience far from where it should be, he remained as doting as ever. Her forever Valentine was there in good and in bad. He was the true example of what love was. Girls day out! It was much needed. Amanda was all smiles as she went from store to store with Daphne. They had one simple rule for the day: no kiddie talk. Eti was looking after Mae and Niels was looking after Emi, Angelo and Elia. Though they were busy shopping, Amanda couldn’t help but think about the kids. She hoped Elia wasn’t giving Niels a hard time and that Emi wasn’t too hyper and Angelo too demanding.
“Where to next?” Daphne asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. She’d obviously asked more than once. Amanda could see it in the amused look on her face. “Thinking about your kids aren’t you?” Daphne asked with a knowing smile. Amanda blushed. “Yes, I can’t help it!” She laughed at herself. “Uhm… how about a place that sells perfumes?” They continued and once Daphne and Amanda had their hands full and were heading home, they were walking past a bookstore. There was a children’s book series in the display window. Amanda paused, looking at the books. Daphne chuckled. “Let’s go in,” she said. “Are you sure?” “Come on.” Daphne grabbed the sleeve of Amanda’s coat and tugged her into the book shop. Amanda briefly looked at a few novels before Amanda glanced at the children’s section. She and Daphne exchanged looks before making a beeline to the kids’ books. Amanda dropped off her shopping bags and coats at a nearby chair before heading over to the shelves. “Emi loves books,” she told Daphne. And Angelo’s really getting into them too.” “I wonder if Mae will like books when she’s old enough to read.” Amanda grinned. “Let’s get my kobedaughter some books too.” The kids were bubbling over with excitement when they arrived at Villa van Loon in Paris. Even Aubrey was nearly jumping with excitement although she knew the renovations didn’t really affect her. The pure fact that Emi and Angelo were so happy made her beam from ear to ear. Amanda chuckled, holding Elia in her arms. Elia was confused by all of the excitement. They were back in the house that they’d visited not that long ago--quite frankly she couldn’t seem to see any reason for excitement. Niels was speaking quietly with the contractor while they waited for a tour of the new kids’ bedrooms. Niels and Amanda had seen pictures of the finished products, but nothing could’ve prepared them for the real deal. As they stepped into Elia’s bedroom, there were a lot of oohs and aahs. It was absolutely adorable. “You can even raise the other railing and turn it into a full crib,” the contractor explained. Amanda set Elia down and explained to her that this was her room. Elia walked over to the toddler bed and put her hands on it. “Mine?” Niels smiled widely. “Yes, that’s yours, cutie,” he told her. They moved on to the next room, and Angelo started jumping up and down. It was a bit mature for him, but they’d intentionally had the room designed to fit him for years to come. “Oahs!” Angelo exclaimed. It took Amanda a moment to realise he was referring to the oars. There were also some model boats on the other side of the room. “Boats!!!” Angelo was running around, touching this and that. Then last but not least, they were led to Emi’s bedroom. She squealed with delight when she saw the perfect princess room. The first thing she spotted was her stuffed animal duck from her babyhood. "It's Duckie," she said, running over to the toy and hugging it tightly. Then her eyes wandered elsewhere. “I looooove the light,” she said, staring up at the modern chandelier. “And the bed is a circle!!!” She beamed and set Duckie back down before running to the bed and climbing barefooted onto it. “Can I jump on it just this once?” she asked.
Amanda and Niels laughed and glanced at each other. “Just this once,” they agreed. “Wheee! Come on Aubrey, you’ll be sleeping here too tonight!” Amanda smiled and thanked the contractor. The kids thanked him a million more times and when he took his leave, the kids, except for Elia all retreated to their rooms. It had been quite a bitter sweet visit to London. Following Walker’s funeral on Christmas Eve, they had a bit of a sombre Christmas, but the next day Amanda had been able to meet her kobedaughter face-to-face. Nothing she’d seen in pictures could compare to Maëlys’ beauty. She really was a gorgeous baby. Of course, Emi who absolutely adored babies, had been more than eager to hold her little kobesister. Sitting in the plane en route to Paris, Amanda smiled at the photograph she’d taken of the little baby. She would have to remember to find a frame for it when they arrived in Paris. Emi beamed and leaned closer to Amanda. “Is that Maë?” she inquired excitedly. Amanda nodded, “Yup,” she said. “She’s so cute,” said Emi. "We'll visit again soon?" "We sure will," Amanda replied. Amanda returned the picture to the back of the novel she’d been reading. She glanced at Elia, fast asleep on Niels’ lap. She was constantly praying that Elia would remain asleep. Kobe forbid she awoke and had one of those inconsolable shrieking moments. In those moments, Elia didn't seem to care that her diaper was dry, her belly was full and she was rested. She simply screamed--for no reason it seemed. On the other hand, in sleep, she was such an angel. No demands, no crankiness. Just peaceful stillness.
Amanda smiled at her own baby girl. As much trouble as Elia gave them, she was loved unconditionally. Amanda didn’t want to imagine a life without her, though admittedly a life without her would be well-rested and a tad more sane. Niels glanced questionably at Amanda as she giggled aloud at her own thoughts. He couldn’t help but grin either although he had no idea why she was amused. “What are you laughing at?" he asked, at last. Amanda shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. “Just admiring our peaceful little one.” |
Amanda at a GlanceNames: Amanda Pontremoli, Amanda van Loon Archives
August 2017
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