Death was too familiar to Amanda, but it didn’t remedy the sting. This one was gut wrenching and stole her breath away. It was hard to process. The man who had so graciously adopted her. The younger brothers she’d grown up with and loved as though they were connected by blood. All three of them. Gone. No cause was given. Her mother didn’t want to talk about it, and quite frankly, Amanda wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it.
She’d left LA in the early morning after receiving a call from Niels, requesting that she returned home immediately. But nothing could’ve prepared her for this. She hadn’t cried. Not yet. She’d just asked for alone time to contemplate. She hadn’t been on the best of terms with her dad. Not since her teen years when she’d chosen Niels over her father’s dislike against him. They’d fought over and over about this to the point of simply not talking anymore. There were no more Christmas cards sent to him, no more friendly text messages, nothing. She’d been meaning to forgive him, for hating the love of her life to the point where he wanted them divorced. She’d been angry that he didn’t care that he had grandchildren born out of this pure love. He’d died knowing that she was mad at him. And for that she could never forgive herself. “I’m so sorry…” she whispered, though she knew he couldn’t hear her anymore. “I’m so, so, so sorry.” Then there were Lorenzo and Jari. The little rascal and the everlastingly-cheerful, curly-haired boy. They’d grown onto such handsome men, but the divorce had cleaved the family in half and they’d drifted away. Still, it pained Amanda. They’d been taken away from this world way too soon. She wasn’t ready. She longed for one last time to tell them how much she loved them. To forgive them for taking their dad’s side. She wanted to hug her dad and tell her how much she appreciated everything he’d done for her. They had their differences but the love was real. “I’m so sorry,”she said again. “Forgive me.”
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Amanda at a GlanceNames: Amanda Pontremoli, Amanda van Loon Archives
August 2017
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